Tag Archives: Healthy Relationships

Who Stole My Fruit?

Why are some relationships fruitful, while others are not? Why do some relationships work, and others don’t? The parable of the sower narrated by Jesus may give us a clue. I elaborated on this story in the video below, particularly as it relates to relationships. I encourage you to watch it. And as you do so, be open to receive whatever God is trying to convey to you. And feel free to share with others that you know can benefit from it.

10 Tips to Finding the Right Mate for Your Life Part 2

wyascover6. COOPERATE WITH YOUR ANGEL

Much can be deduced from how Isaac found his wife. Isaac’s dad, Abraham, engaged the chief servant of his household to find a wife for Isaac. He charged him not to find a wife from the Canaanites amongst whom they lived. He asked his servant to go to his country to find a wife amongst his relatives. This reinforces the wisdom of marrying within God’s family (Gen 24:4). The servant was concerned that if he found a woman for Isaac, she may not be willing to leave her family to come live with Isaac (Gen 24:5).

Abraham assured him that God would send an angel to go before Him to help with the task of finding Isaac a wife (Gen 24:7). This was when I discovered that there is an angel responsible to go before you to help you find your spouse. But, I have a question for you: Is your angel going before you, or is your angel chasing after you? Are you giving your angel a nervous breakdown? Is your angel losing his wings because of you? Are you making your angel contemplate retirement? Is your angel going to the other angels saying, “Hey, you wanna switch assignments with me?” Michael is known as the war angel. Is your angel always going to Michael, asking for backup? To which Michael responds, “Again??!!” Are you frustrating your angel? Please cooperate with your angel.

7. PRAY

Having been given assurance that God will send His angel, the servant proceeded to look for a wife for Isaac. He got to a well and began to pray for guidance (Genesis 24:12). Friend, make no mistake about it, prayer is necessary, not only to find your mate, but also to fulfill everything God plans for you. Praying for someone to marry is more effective than preying on someone to marry.

8. USE DISCERNMENT

In his prayer, the servant told God that he would ask a woman to give him water to drink. If she agrees to give him a drink and offers to water his camels, then let her be the one that God “chose” to be Isaac’s wife. Before he finished praying Rebecca showed up and fulfilled everything he requested from God. But something strange happened. The scripture says that the servant was silent watching her while she was watering the camels, to see if God had made his journey successful (Gen 24:21). I was dumbfounded.

What does he mean by “if God made his journey successful?” She agreed to give him water, and she volunteered to water his “ten” camels. Case closed! God just fulfilled everything he asked and he is still wondering if the mission was successful. Why didn’t he just tell her that she was the one for Isaac? What was he waiting for? It was while I was pondering about this, that it hit me. I now discovered why so many of us make poor choices in relationships.

Many people have prayed for God to guide them to their mate. In some cases, shortly after they prayed, someone showed up. This person looked the part. This person quoted scripture. This person spoke Christianese. Like Rebecca, they fit the profile. But unlike the servant, the person who prayed did not watch the potential to see if God truly hooked them up. You see, it’s one thing for Rebecca to say that she will give him a drink and water his ten camels. It’s another thing for her to actually do what she said she would do. This was what the servant was watching. Is she who she said she is? It was after Rebecca watered ALL the camels that the servant now put a ring on it. It was after she fulfilled her word to him that he gave her jewelry and revealed to her, his mission and her relevance to it (Gen 24:22).

Even though you’ve prayed, please don’t be quick to think the first person that comes before you is from God. I encourage you to use discernment. Before you plan the wedding, contemplate your wedding dress, figure out who your best man will be, or whether the nuptials will be in the Sistine chapel or on a beach in Venice, slow down and watch your prospect. Does the person walk the talk? Watch the person’s fruit, not gifts. Watch His or her character, not charisma and talent.

9. DON’T LET YOUR FAMILY HOLD YOU BACK

After the servant verified that Rebecca was the one for Isaac, he went with her to meet her family. He told them about his mission and what happened. They were all excited. The servant and his entourage stayed overnight. The next day he wanted to leave with Isaac’s bride. But the family said that they should wait ten more days, then after, they could go. The servant was not willing to wait. He told them not to “delay him” (Gen 24:56).

That was when another nugget hit me. One of the reasons why some single people who want to get married, are still single, is because their family members are holding them back. There are many single people like Rebecca. They know God has someone for them. The Holy Spirit has revealed this to them, like the servant revealed it to Rebecca. But unlike Rebecca, they haven’t moved. They haven’t taken a step out of their comfort zone by faith toward the person God has for them. Sometimes this is because they have, perhaps, inadvertently, let their family members hold them back. Please don’t let your family hold you back when God has told you to move forward.

10. YOU HAVE A CHOICE

After the servant demanded not to be delayed, Rebecca’s brother and mother decided that they should ask Rebecca if she wanted to go with the man. Rebecca said, “I will go” (Gen 24:57). If you have never studied this story closely, you might have thought that Rebecca didn’t have a choice. You might have assumed that she went along just because it was required of her. That is further from the truth.

Rebecca had always had a choice. She had a choice even before the servant left Abraham. If you recall, the servant asked Abraham what was to be done if she was not willing to come (Gen 24:5). Rebecca did not become Isaac’s wife just because some stranger said “the Lord told him that she was the one for Isaac.” She married Isaac because, though God revealed him to be her husband, she chose to marry him. Rebecca had a choice. And so do you. Please don’t go along with someone just because they tell you that God told them that you are the one for them. If God told them, He would tell you, too. You have a choice. Please choose wisely.

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10 Tips to Finding the Right Mate for Your Life Part 1

wyascoverI once learned the story of a man who wanted to get married. He wondered where he could find a good woman. He concluded that church was the best place to find such a woman. So, he went to church. He didn’t go to church to build his character and develop a relationship with God. He went to church to find a woman. And find a woman he did. They got married. Unfortunately, the marriage didn’t last. It was a disaster. The man was deeply hurt. Consequently, he concluded that church women were fake.

There was also a lady that was looking for a husband. She wondered where she could find a good man. She reasoned that church was the best place to find such a man. So, she went to church. She didn’t go to church to grow in faith and develop a relationship with God. She only went to church to find a man. And find a man she did. They got married. Unfortunately, the marriage fell apart. She was devastated. Consequently, she concluded that church men were fake. It turns out that the man she found was the other guy who also went to church to find a wife.

The point I’m making is derived from what leadership expert, Dr. John Maxwell, describes as the law of magnetism: Who you attract is not determined by what you want, but by who you are. Paul said it best when he wrote that we reap what we sow (Gal 6:7). Please have this principle in mind as I discuss ten tips that will help you find the right mate for your life.

1. MEN SHOULD LEARN HOW TO TREAT WOMEN

Prior to pairing Adam with Eve, God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to tend, guard, and keep it (Gen 2:15 AMP). This act of God helped me realize that women are like gardens; they need to be tended, guarded, and kept. A guy who understands and employs this truth, will enjoy the fruit of his garden. It’s in the best interest of men to pay attention to their women, water them with affection, fertilize them with love, and help them uproot any weeds of insecurity. The man that does this will help his woman blossom with beauty. Such a man is a prime candidate to win a Godly woman’s heart.

2. BE A HELPER

When God decided to make a wife for Adam, He mentioned a word that helps us know the kind of person He sets up for marriage. In fact, He said the word twice. He said He was going to make Adam a “helper.” The second time the word is mentioned, the scripture reads, “but for Adam there was not found a helper …. (Gen 2:20).” This was when I realized that God does not set everyone up for marriage. He only sets up helpers. Not hellions, not hell-raisers, and not “help mes.”

If you’re not a helper, I encourage you to surrender to God and let Him make you a helper. Vegas may set everyone up, but Jesus only sets up helpers. God did not decide to make Adam just any woman. He made a woman that was a helper. A lady that is a helper is a prime candidate to win a Godly man’s heart. Needless to say, being a helper is not exclusive to women. Men are to be helpers too.

3. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE RIGHT PERSON AND THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU

God didn’t just make Adam a helper, He made him a helper suitable for him (Gen 2:18 NIV, NASB); a helper comparable to him (NKJV); a helper just right for him (NLT); a helper adapted and complementary to him (AMP). You may find someone who is right, but not right for you. You may find someone who is suitable for a starring role in a Hollywood blockbuster. You may find someone who is just right for the cover of Sports Illustrated, Swimsuit Issue. And you may find someone who is right for your fantasies, but not adapted, complementary and right for you. God wants to give you someone that fits you, not someone that only gives you fits.

4. LET THE HOLY SPIRIT HELP YOU

Before Jesus’s departure, Jesus told His disciples that He will send them another helper, the Holy Spirit (John 14:16). This Helper will teach them everything (John 14:26). This Helper will guide them into all truth and only speak what He hears from the Father (John 16:13). Not only is the Holy Spirit the best Person to help you become a helper, He will also teach you everything. He will guide you into all truth, which must include the truth of who you should marry.

5. LOOK FOR A MATE WITHIN GOD’S FAMILY

Many singles are struggling to find any mate, let alone a Godly mate. And the few good prospects they come across seem to be few and far between. In some cases it seems non-Christians have better character than some Christians. Yet, Christian singles are told to marry other Christians. Though it appears your options are limited, it’s in your best interest to marry within God’s family. Even so, I’m not encouraging you to marry just any Christian. I’m encouraging you to marry a Christian that’s just. I’m encouraging you to marry a Christian that’s Christ-like.

How can you tell if a particular believer is Christ-like? Jesus gave us a clue. While teaching a group of people, He got word that his mother and brothers were looking for him. He responded by asking who his mother and brother were? He answered His own question by saying that those who do the will of His father are His mother, brother and sister (Mark 3:33-35). In essence, family is people that do God’s will. Not only should you look out for a Christian doing God’s will, but I encourage you to be one.

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A Few Good Men

wyascoverLadies, I have good news, and I have bad news. The bad news first. There are some guys who will not go back and chase a lady they are interested in dating, after she turns them down. And it’s not because their names are not J. P. Morgan. More bad news. A few of these guys are good men. Though not related to Tom Cruise, a guy like these few good men will not pursue a lady further after she rebuffs him.

He won’t return to try again, not because he is angry, not because the lady is not worth the chase, and not because he really didn’t care about her. He won’t pursue again because her rejection of his advances made him believe that she was not really interested in him. If the lady was truly not interested, then case closed.

But, if the lady was interested … yikes. Unless she lets him know of her heart’s true intentions, he is not coming back because he is clueless of what is in her heart. In his mind, she said “no.” And out of respect for her, and not wanting to be a stalker and overbearing, he will not pursue her any further. This kind of guy believes that a lady’s “no” means “no.” Now, to the good news.

There are other guys who will not take “no” for an answer. They will go after her more resiliently than Tom chases Jerry in the Walt-Disney cartoon flick. Unfortunately, there is more bad news. Some guys like these are bad boys. A man, like these players is not really chasing her; he is chasing “it.” He is chasing what he can get from her. And once he gets it, he disappears so fast, the woman sees sheets of paper flying all over the place.

To some bad boys, a lady’s “no” does not mean “no.” It means “yes.” It means “come after me.” If a lady turns a guy like these bad boys down, the guy assumes that she is playing hard to get. Her resistance to him is fuel for him to really go after her. If she was truly not interested in him, it’s not case closed. It’s case still open. And that’s a problem. When this bad boy discovers that she really meant “no,” sometimes he disrespects, belittles, and slanders her.

If a woman plays hard to get, then she plays right into the hands of a bad boy. Sadly, some women believe that if a guy goes after them resiliently, then it means he really loves them. And if a guy does not try and try again to win their heart, then it means he wasn’t serious and he really didn’t care about them. This mindset unfortunately has led to countless heartbreaks and confusion.

Ladies, please hear me out. If you play hard to get … you will be hard to get. And if you are got, you will be got by a man who plays … hard. Playing hard to get can leave you susceptible to ending up with the wrong guy who is “playing” hard to get you.

There are essentially two ways that people can get into a relationship. God’s way and the hard way. God’s way employs God’s grace, which helps us get into the right relationships. The hard way employs our race to get into relationships, which often falls short of our expectations. The good guys I alluded to, employ the God way. The bad boys exploit the hard way.

The good guy approaches a lady based more on inside information. While he is drawn to her, he has an inkling in his heart to talk to her and ask her out. God’s guidance through His grace and his attraction to her emboldens him to speak to her. This does not mean that the guy is immune to making the mistake of misjudging what he is feeling, as God leading him to a woman, when God was not and when God had a different agenda in mind. All the same, though attracted to the lady, he approaches her based on what he senses in his heart. If she refuses him, then he assumes he misconstrued what he thought God was revealing to him, tries to learn from his mistake and move on.

The bad boy approaches a lady based solely on outside information. She looks hot and he wants to have some. He proceeds strictly on what he sees with his eyes. He is willing to do and tell her anything to win her heart—though it’s not her heart he’s trying to win. He’s trying to win her body, stroke his ego, and add his triumph over her to his collection of exploits.

I like to say it like this: I don’t want a lady to go out with me because I chased her. I want a lady to go out with me because God chased her for me. If I chased her and she agrees to go out with me, then she will be doing so based on my efforts. This also means that I have to maintain the relationship based on my efforts. However, if she goes out with me because God already placed me in her heart, then we can rely on God to uphold the relationship.

That does not take away my responsibility in approaching her and expressing my feelings to her. That does not take away my responsibility in ensuring that I fulfill my role in taking care of her, encouraging her, and making her feel special. It does mean that God controls the relationship from start to finish. A few good men feel the same way. And that’s how it happened for me. I have experienced my share of “nos,” but one day, I got a “yes!” Actually, I didn’t get a “yes,” I got a “sure!” That was 4 years ago. I married her about a year-and-a-half ago.

Why would a lady who has prayed for a good man turn him down after he then shows up to ask her out? I’m not referring to ladies who are being cautious or refusing men they’re not interested in. I’m referring to ladies turning down good men who they’re interested in. I’m talking about ladies refusing good men who they have peace about dating. I’m talking about ladies declining opportunities to go out with good guys that even their parents, Pastors, friends, dogs and grouchy cats have peace about.

Why would some ladies turn down men that God has placed in their hearts? Do they need the men to prove their love, which God has already revealed to the women? If this is the case, then that’s the hard way. This approach to relationships can lead such women into the arms of the wrong guys. Guys that play hard.

Lady, if you’ve turned down a Godly man, needing him to chase you, I encourage you to go back and get him … or hope and pray that he’s one of the other few good men who loves to chase.

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Purpose of REAL-ationships

According to internationally renowned author, teacher and leadership mentor, Dr. Myles Munroe, if you don’t know the purpose of something, abuse is inevitable. In other words, if you don’t know why something exists, you’re going to abuse it. You’re going to use it the wrong way because you don’t know what it is for. This is also true in relationships.

If you do not know the purpose of relationships, you will abuse them. You will get into the wrong ones, and you will have wrong expectations from them. Dr. Munroe is also fond of saying that if you want to know what a product is for, you need to find out from its manufacturer. The manufacturer gives you a manual on how it works and how to take care of it.

Since God manufactured relationships, we need to consult Him to figure out what they are for. He has also given us a manual to help us learn how relationships are supposed to function. His manual is—Em-manuel, Jesus, the Word of God.

Through God’s Word, the scriptures, we receive guidelines to help us understand God’s design for relationships. Recently I discussed 8 purposes of relationships. You can listen to this message and download it free, from the audio below.

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How God Uses Rejection to Help You Find and Fulfill Your Destiny