10 Tips to Finding the Right Mate Part 1
Tag Archives: O. J. Toks’ Blog
The Road Less Travelled to the Right Mate Part 2
It’s not just the ladies that travel the road of rejection to the man for their lives. Gentlemen, sometimes we travel that road, too. Esther serves as a prime candidate of a Godly woman. But how can we end up with a lady like Esther? I bet King Xerxes would agree that rejection can help us accomplish this. Perhaps you’re familiar with his story.
King Xerxes throws a party for his officials and servants. He asks for Vashti, his Queen, to grace the occasion (Esther 1:1-11 ESV). She refused (Esther 1:12). He was embarrassed and angry — so much so that his advisors counseled him to dethrone her and find someone else better than her (Esther 1:16-22). He adhered to their directives and began to search for someone better. That’s how he ended up with Esther. The snub Xerxes experienced from Vashti opened the door for him to find and end up with Esther.
The significance of Vashti and Esther’s names and their stories give us more glimpses on why God uses rejection to help us find our mates. Vashti means “beautiful”; Esther means “star.” Vashti makes her cameo in the first chapter of Esther. But Esther shows up in chapter two of her own book. Their initial intros into their respective chapters pertain directly to who they were. The women are in sharp contrast to each other. Vashti is the Queen. She is beautiful. She begins as royalty. In contrast, we hear of Hadassah, who lost her parents. She’s a peasant. She starts off with tragedy.
How is this significant? Well, many of us guys make bad choices when choosing women. Ladies, please, you don’t have to say “duuuh.” Vashti represents the girl that first gets our attention. She’s the girl that stands out in the crowd. She’s appealing, glamorous, and catches our eyes first. She’s the girl the guys are talking about. She’s the girl overshadowing Esther. Vashti is the dominating figure that shows up first in chapter one. Yet, Esther first shows up in chapter two … her own book.
Esther is the decent, Godly woman who doesn’t stand out in the beginning. She’s the faithful, God-fearing lady who does not appeal to you the first time you see her. She is the girl you side-step and overlook because you’re distracted and infatuated with Vashti. Esther is the girl you should be falling over yourself to go out with. But because she doesn’t stand out to you the first time you see her, you dismiss her, and bend over backwards to go out with Vashti. And of course, Vashti ends up breaking your heart. That’s if she did not blow you off in the first place.
Vashti is beautiful, but Esther is a star. All stars are beautiful but all beautiful people are not stars. The light of Christ resonates in the Esthers of this world. They shine. They illuminate any darkness around you, like Esther exposed the darkness of the doorkeepers who wanted to kill Xerxes and the deceitfulness of Haman, who wanted to annihilate the Jews (Esther 2:21-23; 7:1-10).
Esther is the diamond in the rough. Guys, if you want the diamond, you need to go through the rough to get her. If you just spent time with Hadassah, the girl that is a shining light but does not appeal to you on first impression, you might discover that she is indeed a star. Esther. You’ll find out that there is more to her than meets the eye. You’ll discover that she’s not just Hadassah; she’s Esther, and she far outshines Vashti. Investing time to know her will offer you the opportunity to discern this and see her reflect the diamond that she is.
Some of us guys don’t have that wisdom. That’s why God hires rejection to tutor us. Please no offense to you ladies who go by the name “Vashti.” It’s a beautiful name. Notwithstanding I’m just using her as a representation of the kind of woman some of us guys fall prey to. I’m also unearthing nuggets from her interaction with the king.
Esther and Vashti represent two kinds of women; a woo-man and a woe-man. A woo-man woos her man. Esther is a woo-man; she wooed her king and husband (Esther 5:1-8; 7:1). A woe-man brings woe to her man. Vashti is a woe-man. She brought woe to her husband and could have incited other women to bring reproach to their husbands too (Esther 1:17-18).
Gentlemen, God uses rejection to get you from a woe-man who ignores you to a woo-man who wants to be with you. He uses rejection to get you from a woe-man who is selfish to a woo-man who is selfless. He uses it to deliver you from a lady who throws a party for herself to a lady who throws a party for you (Esther 1:9; 5:1-8; 7:1). Rejection is used to get you from a lady who seeks her own interests, embarrasses you, and does not want to be in your presence to a lady who seeks, not only your interests, but the interests of others, honors you, and seeks God with prayer and fasting to find favor in your eyes (Esther 4:16).
Guys, how many of us have sense enough to discern such a rare gem? Not many of us. So, God employs rejection to assist us. My friend, has someone been coming up in your mind since I’ve been describing Esther? And, even Vashti? Can you relate with King Xerxes? Are you a man of influence and a man of God? Are you one of the few good men who’s been rebuffed by women and wondering why this is happening to you when you’re living and doing right?
Be encouraged, my man. God is just setting you up for your Esther. She might not be a queen, a leader, or a person on whom the hopes of a nation rest. But she will honor, appreciate, celebrate and pray for you. She will seek God on your behalf. She will protect you. She will bring out the best in you, like Esther did for Xerxes. Sometimes, the way to that kind of woman is the road less travelled.
The rejections I experienced set me on the course to learn these truths. Ladies and gentlemen, rejection is not a wall that blocks your path; it’s an arrow that directs it. Being rejected is not the end of your life; it’s just a means to an end for your life. And that end is your destiny. So, be encouraged to know that God is using your rebuffs to get you from someone who does not belong to you to someone who will be longing for you.
From trash to the Today Show
One minute, Harper finds herself in a trash bag left to die. In another minute she finds herself getting a massage in front of millions of people on national television. At the lowest point of her life her handicap forces her owner to leave her in a garbage bag. In an interesting twist of fate her handicap becomes a handy cap-tion, which gets her on the Today Show.
While watching the show, I was intrigued by the story of Harper, a puppy, which was left in the trash because of a condition that left her unable to walk or raise her head. This condition is called “swimming puppy disorder.” A woman from Sanford, Florida, noticed Harper squirming in the trash bag and rescued her. She took the gray pup to a local shelter. That’s how Harper ended up in the caring arms of Erica Daniel who was a regular at the shelter.
Erica took the dog to her home. She thought the dog would have to be euthanized, but to her amazement Harper responded positively to her massage. Erica then helped Harper get more massage and hydrotherapy. Consequently, though still struggling to stand, the dog is able to walk, raise her head, and is getting better in doing both.[1]
Perhaps you can relate with Harper; not as a puppy, but as someone who’s been rejected. Like that puppy, you might have been trashed. Notwithstanding, be encouraged to know that you are treasured. Someone might have given up on you; but there is someone else like that Florida woman and Erica Daniel who will give you a chance … and a break! There is someone else who will take you in your mess and help you become your best.
God uses rejection to get you from someone who sees you as handicapped to someone who sees you as handy. He uses it to get you from where you do not belong to where you will be longed. Harper was treated like garbage. However, the rejection got her entreated with a massage.
She started out, perhaps, rubbing her feeble body against junk and nibbling on other trash in the bag, in an effort to hang on to her dear life. But she ended up on the Today Show, rubbing shoulders with Matt Lauer and nibbling on his designer shoes. Harper’s ordeal turned out to bring a great deal to her. God uses rejection to do the same in your life. Be encouraged. Keep your head up.
Harper’s plight not only brought her to the lime light, it also shed light on what other rejected puppies where going through. Thanks to Harper, a bunch of other castaway puppies will find new homes with loving owners. Similarly, God uses your rejection to highlight what others are going through, and He uses your victory over it to help set others free.
Friend, being rejected is not the end of your life; rather, it’s a means to an end for your life. And that end is your destiny. Unlike Harper, rejection might not take you to the Today Show; however, you can show, today, that you will not allow it to take you out, but take you up.
[1]Animal Tracks on Today. http://animaltracks.today.com/_news/2011/10/04/8143557-handicapped-puppy-melts-hearts-chews-matts-shoes-on-today
Rejected for a Purpose Part 1
It was around the beginning of 2003 when I first entertained the idea of moving to Houston, Texas from Richmond, Virginia. After much prayer and a series of incidents, I reached the conclusion that the relocation was something that God wanted me to do. Prior to moving to Houston, despite reasonable attempts to find a place to live, and a job to make ends meet, I was not able to secure a job and a place to stay in Houston, before I took the plunge.I didn’t let those setbacks hinder me from moving to Houston. I decided to pull an Abraham and go any way. When I lived in Virginia, I worked for a company in their IT department. It was a support role. After I moved to Houston, God provided a place to stay. I was unable to secure an IT position and ended up getting a job as an entry level unarmed security officer. While I was grateful that I landed a job, I was disappointed that it meant my income went down approximately $7700 per year.
I expected that moving to Houston in obedience to God’s direction would land me a better job, a better life, and usher me closer to His plan for my life. With the dip in income, I felt that the opposite was happening. Despite numerous attempts at finding IT jobs, I was not hired. I was rejected. I also applied for customer service jobs, data entry jobs, and other jobs but no one hired me. The only job I found was a security officer position. Thank God for security officers. I thanked God that I received a job. Notwithstanding, in the context of my previous job, experience, and income, the demotion only reinforced my feelings of rejection.
Despite the setbacks, I kept my faith and trust in God. God knew best, and I believed that my circumstance was necessary to prepare me for where He was taking me. 6 months after I began working as a security officer in a prestigious building in the downtown business district of Houston, the building management terminated my employer’s contract. They gave the protection of the building to another security company. Since the security company I worked for lost the contract, this meant that I was without a job in that building, and I was rejected again.
I still kept my faith. I still trusted God, believing that He was up to something great. Fortunately, the company I worked for had contracts in other buildings in the downtown area. They immediately transferred me to another building, which was just 2 blocks away from the building that I previously worked as a security officer. In my new building, I worked as a security officer for close to a year and a half. Meanwhile, I had applied to other jobs, but still no breaks. I felt like I was going to be an entry level unarmed security officer for a while.
One morning, seemingly out of the blue, I recieved a phone call. It was from a recruiter out in Arizona. She found my resume online and had an IT support position for me. I told her I was interested, and she set me up for an interview. After three interviews, I landed the job. Thank God! Remember that when I left Virginia, I lost close to $7700 in income per year? Well, when I landed the IT job, it gave me close to $7700 per year more than I earned in Virginia. But this is the kicker: the company that I was going to be working for as an IT support person, was right in the new building where I was providing security.
In essence, being rejected from the previous building was setup by God to position me in the new building, where I worked for a year and a half. So, for about 18 months, I was close to my breakthrough and did not even know it. I did not know that God didn’t just hold me back from those other jobs; He was holding me back for a specific job, in a specific place, at a specific time. He was keeping me in a particular place because He had something for me there.
I don’t know what kind of rejection you are facing. I don’t know who has ignored or overlooked you. I don’t know which companies have terminated your position. I don’t know how long you’ve been waiting on God to help you out with a job or a secret petition of your heart.
This I do know; your rejection is for a purpose. Keep your head up, be encouraged, and keep trusting God because He has something or someone better for you. When the time is right it will happen. Just don’t lose faith. Keep it, and walk in it. My experience has taught me that God uses your opposition to position you. He uses a setback as a setup.
Sometimes, God will hold you back in a certain spot. He will confine you to a certain area. He will hinder your progress to keep you in a certain place, so that when He drops the blessing…He won’t miss. God has targeted a blessing for a particular place. If God’s hindrances keep you in that place, guess what happens when the blessing hits its target? I’m sure you can use your imagination.
