Tag Archives: O. J. Toks

The Matchmaker

Many single adults are trying to find a mate. Many of them have found this task daunting. Consequently they have sought different avenues to accomplish their quest. These avenues include friends, prayer, multiple dates, speed dating, online dating, matchmaking apps and professional matchmakers just to mention a few. But how effective are these approaches? Are any of them adequate to help a single adult Christian who wants to get married, find a Godly spouse? I addressed these questions extensively in a series of videos titled “The Matchmaker.” Here is part 1:

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A Few Good Men

wyascoverLadies, I have good news, and I have bad news. The bad news first. There are some guys who will not go back and chase a lady they are interested in dating, after she turns them down. And it’s not because their names are not J. P. Morgan. More bad news. A few of these guys are good men. Though not related to Tom Cruise, a guy like these few good men will not pursue a lady further after she rebuffs him.

He won’t return to try again, not because he is angry, not because the lady is not worth the chase, and not because he really didn’t care about her. He won’t pursue again because her rejection of his advances made him believe that she was not really interested in him. If the lady was truly not interested, then case closed.

But, if the lady was interested … yikes. Unless she lets him know of her heart’s true intentions, he is not coming back because he is clueless of what is in her heart. In his mind, she said “no.” And out of respect for her, and not wanting to be a stalker and overbearing, he will not pursue her any further. This kind of guy believes that a lady’s “no” means “no.” Now, to the good news.

There are other guys who will not take “no” for an answer. They will go after her more resiliently than Tom chases Jerry in the Walt-Disney cartoon flick. Unfortunately, there is more bad news. Some guys like these are bad boys. A man, like these players is not really chasing her; he is chasing “it.” He is chasing what he can get from her. And once he gets it, he disappears so fast, the woman sees sheets of paper flying all over the place.

To some bad boys, a lady’s “no” does not mean “no.” It means “yes.” It means “come after me.” If a lady turns a guy like these bad boys down, the guy assumes that she is playing hard to get. Her resistance to him is fuel for him to really go after her. If she was truly not interested in him, it’s not case closed. It’s case still open. And that’s a problem. When this bad boy discovers that she really meant “no,” sometimes he disrespects, belittles, and slanders her.

If a woman plays hard to get, then she plays right into the hands of a bad boy. Sadly, some women believe that if a guy goes after them resiliently, then it means he really loves them. And if a guy does not try and try again to win their heart, then it means he wasn’t serious and he really didn’t care about them. This mindset unfortunately has led to countless heartbreaks and confusion.

Ladies, please hear me out. If you play hard to get … you will be hard to get. And if you are got, you will be got by a man who plays … hard. Playing hard to get can leave you susceptible to ending up with the wrong guy who is “playing” hard to get you.

There are essentially two ways that people can get into a relationship. God’s way and the hard way. God’s way employs God’s grace, which helps us get into the right relationships. The hard way employs our race to get into relationships, which often falls short of our expectations. The good guys I alluded to, employ the God way. The bad boys exploit the hard way.

The good guy approaches a lady based more on inside information. While he is drawn to her, he has an inkling in his heart to talk to her and ask her out. God’s guidance through His grace and his attraction to her emboldens him to speak to her. This does not mean that the guy is immune to making the mistake of misjudging what he is feeling, as God leading him to a woman, when God was not and when God had a different agenda in mind. All the same, though attracted to the lady, he approaches her based on what he senses in his heart. If she refuses him, then he assumes he misconstrued what he thought God was revealing to him, tries to learn from his mistake and move on.

The bad boy approaches a lady based solely on outside information. She looks hot and he wants to have some. He proceeds strictly on what he sees with his eyes. He is willing to do and tell her anything to win her heart—though it’s not her heart he’s trying to win. He’s trying to win her body, stroke his ego, and add his triumph over her to his collection of exploits.

I like to say it like this: I don’t want a lady to go out with me because I chased her. I want a lady to go out with me because God chased her for me. If I chased her and she agrees to go out with me, then she will be doing so based on my efforts. This also means that I have to maintain the relationship based on my efforts. However, if she goes out with me because God already placed me in her heart, then we can rely on God to uphold the relationship.

That does not take away my responsibility in approaching her and expressing my feelings to her. That does not take away my responsibility in ensuring that I fulfill my role in taking care of her, encouraging her, and making her feel special. It does mean that God controls the relationship from start to finish. A few good men feel the same way. And that’s how it happened for me. I have experienced my share of “nos,” but one day, I got a “yes!” Actually, I didn’t get a “yes,” I got a “sure!” That was 4 years ago. I married her about a year-and-a-half ago.

Why would a lady who has prayed for a good man turn him down after he then shows up to ask her out? I’m not referring to ladies who are being cautious or refusing men they’re not interested in. I’m referring to ladies turning down good men who they’re interested in. I’m talking about ladies refusing good men who they have peace about dating. I’m talking about ladies declining opportunities to go out with good guys that even their parents, Pastors, friends, dogs and grouchy cats have peace about.

Why would some ladies turn down men that God has placed in their hearts? Do they need the men to prove their love, which God has already revealed to the women? If this is the case, then that’s the hard way. This approach to relationships can lead such women into the arms of the wrong guys. Guys that play hard.

Lady, if you’ve turned down a Godly man, needing him to chase you, I encourage you to go back and get him … or hope and pray that he’s one of the other few good men who loves to chase.

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Purpose of REAL-ationships

According to internationally renowned author, teacher and leadership mentor, Dr. Myles Munroe, if you don’t know the purpose of something, abuse is inevitable. In other words, if you don’t know why something exists, you’re going to abuse it. You’re going to use it the wrong way because you don’t know what it is for. This is also true in relationships.

If you do not know the purpose of relationships, you will abuse them. You will get into the wrong ones, and you will have wrong expectations from them. Dr. Munroe is also fond of saying that if you want to know what a product is for, you need to find out from its manufacturer. The manufacturer gives you a manual on how it works and how to take care of it.

Since God manufactured relationships, we need to consult Him to figure out what they are for. He has also given us a manual to help us learn how relationships are supposed to function. His manual is—Em-manuel, Jesus, the Word of God.

Through God’s Word, the scriptures, we receive guidelines to help us understand God’s design for relationships. Recently I discussed 8 purposes of relationships. You can listen to this message and download it free, from the audio below.

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How God Uses Rejection to Help You Find and Fulfill Your Destiny

Finding God’s Will for Your Life

Over the years you may have heard people tell you that God has a plan for your life. They told you that He put you on earth for a reason. Yet, you do not have a clue of what that reason is. Or, maybe you do, but you don’t know how to accomplish it. Or maybe you are someone who has tried to fulfill your God-given mission, but you keep falling on your face. And now you’re questioning whether you were called to what you were trying to accomplish.

Whichever case, don’t fret. Relax, and take a deep breath. In the audio below, I discuss extensively how you can find God’s will for your life. By the time you finish listening to the teaching, you will be at peace with your quest for God’s purpose for your life.

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A Bow to Tebow

Believe me, I tried not to do it. I tried to stay away from jumping on his band wagon; but I just couldn’t help it. Although a litany of naysayers, haters, and sports antagonists—oops, I mean sports analysts, were ripping him apart, I chose to align with the plethora of people who admired and supported “team” Tebow. For years, right from his successful stint at Florida, I heard about Tebow but I didn’t get caught up with his fame. However, the intense scrutiny on him drew me to his side.

Despite the blatant progress made by the Denver Broncos, sports analysts after analysts kept saying that Tebow was not an NFL Quarterback. He can’t throw. He’s not good enough. Yeah, they won, but it’s the defense; it’s the coach; it’s the other team messing up, and blah blah blah. Yet, Tebow torpedoes; and so does his team, toward the top of their division. The criticisms hurled at Tebow sound all too familiar.

They remind me of my book, Rejected for a Purpose: How God Uses Rejection to Help You Find and Fulfill Your Destiny. In it I discuss 8 benefits of rejection. Tebow does not only personify the theme of my book, but he also exemplifies someone who takes advantage of one of the benefits. One of the benefits rejection inadvertently brings into your life is inspiration. When people try to make you insignificant, minimize your contributions, focus on your weaknesses, in addition to telling you that you can’t have it, you can’t do it, and you can’t be it, you’re being rejected.

Funny enough, God loves rejects! And He uses them to confound the wise. Rejection humbles you. However, humility is a magnet for God’s grace. Amongst other things, God’s grace is His favor and power. Therefore, when you’re rejected the setback sets you up to receive God’s divine enablement to help you do what you could not do on your own strength. Do you know anyone who seems to be enjoying a lot of favor right now?

If you don’t know let me give you a clue: His initials are “T-T.” And this does not stand for temper tantrum. People like Tebow are inspired by rejection. All his life, people have doubted him. But the naysayers only fueled in him the passion to succeed, to persevere, to win. In my book, I mentioned 3 ways to respond to rejection. Tebow responds with all 3. But let me highlight one of his responses. His faith.

Usually when we experience rejection we lose faith in ourselves. The rebuff coerces you to think less of yourself since others devalue you. Some even lose faith in God. Sometimes people reject us from relationships because of our REALationship with God. Hmmm, sounds familiar doesn’t it? One way to deal with rejection and get a great deal out of it is not to lose your faith but to hold on to it. If you do not already have faith I encourage you to reach out for it by reaching out to God. He is close to those whose hearts are broken and have a crushed spirit (Ps 34:18). He will revive you. He will revitalize you. And He will restore, replenish, and rev you up for your life’s purpose(s). These might not happen overnight, but they will happen.

There are at least 4 reasons why people criticize you. 1) People criticize you because you’re not like them—you’re different. 2) People criticize you because you’re not with them—you’re not in their group. 3) People criticize you because you’re not for them—you disagree with them. 4) People criticize you because they feel you took something from them—you got the break; they didn’t—they’re hating.

Regardless of why people criticize and reject you, encourage yourself and keep moving forward. If you’re being ostracized because you’re different, remember that sometimes you have to be different to make a difference. If you’re snubbed because you’re not with a group, remember that God is with you. If someone gives you the cold shoulder because you disagree with them—without being disagreeable, keep your head up and agree with God. If people drank too much “hatorade” and are on a hater-raid on you because you got blessed and they didn’t, it’s ok. Take the high road. Remember this quote from Bishop T. D. Jakes, favor ain’t fair.

After putting their feet in their mouths and eating quite a few humble pies, some of the experts are coming to terms with the fact that since Tebow was given the thumbs-up to be the starting Quarterback for the Broncos, something miraculous started happening. The Broncos went from 4 losses and a win to 7 wins and a loss. At the time of this writing they have a record of 8 wins and 5 losses, total. Sports experts can’t explain why the chips are falling Tebow’s way; but they can’t deny that he is a winner, either. Some say it’s the Broncos defense. Some say it’s their coach. Some say it’s their opposing teams messing up. Some say it’s Tebow. Tebow says it’s team work. What do you say?

Practically, I believe it’s a combination of all of the above. Notwithstanding, there is an underlying force that allows all those factors to gel. I believe there is a main ingredient in the Broncos’ stew of success. And Tebow has the recipe. What is the recipe, you ask? Well, I tell you what one sports radio commentator said. He said that Tebow was not responsible for the success of the Broncos. I don’t know if he was being sarcastic or if he was really serious, but he said that Jesus Christ is the reason why the Broncos are successful. He said there is a power helping the Broncos. And he said on secular radio that folks need to go on their knees and make sure that they are right with Jesus. Wow!

From here on out regardless of what happens with the Broncos, there is something special about Tebow. Whether people may want to acknowledge it or not, God has His hands on him. And He is using him for purposes bigger than touch downs and successful goal kicks. God can do the same with you and any rejection you experience.