PART 2: EXPERIENCING IT IN RELATIONSHIPS
Chapter 5
Feeling It vs. Dealing with It
Susan was on her way home from the hair salon, sporting a brand new hairdo that she hoped would get a very positive reaction from her husband, Jack. She wanted to get home so quickly that she almost got into an accident. Thankfully, the truck driver hit the brakes, barely missing her BMW SUV as she ran the red light. When she arrived at her drive way, Susan took a quick peek at the interior front mirror, ran her fingers across her forehead and flicked back strands of her brunette curls, perfectly streaked with blonde highlights.
She walked briskly to the entrance of their condo but slowed down once she got to the door to catch her breath. She opened the door, stepped on the marble floors, and called out to her husband, alerting him in her most sensuous voice that she was home. Jack who was in his study in the basement frowning over some figures on his desktop, responded with a grunt.
Susan descended to the basement, bubbling with enthusiasm. When she got to the entrance of her husband’s study, with her hands on her shapely hips and with a slight pose, she lingered a few seconds in the doorway smiling expectantly at her husband. A few seconds after Susan realized that her presence had not made her husband look up from the computer, she greeted him again—this time with an inviting smile across her face.
Jack looked at her briefly for a few seconds, and said, “Hi honey.” He then turned right back to his computer. Susan’s smile disappeared and she stormed off to her room with tears welling up in her eyes. Ten minutes after she left, Jack suddenly got up, grabbed his car keys, ran out of the house, and headed to the nearest drugstore.
He came back home fifteen minutes later, and half-ran and half-skipped to his bedroom to see his wife. She was lying on her side of the bed in the fetal position, still robed in the outfit she wore to the salon. Her back was facing him. Jack slid slowly and deliberately on the bed toward her saying, “honey,” in a low tone. He tried to touch her, but, as if on cue, once his hand touched the back of her shoulder, she brushed it off, got off the bed, stormed to the bathroom and locked the door.
As she headed for the bathroom, a bewildered Jack wondered what he had done this time. As usual, he did not have a clue. Feeling upset, he wondered for the umpteenth time if their marriage was going to make it. Susan, sobbing in the bathroom, wondered the same thing. She wondered if there was another woman in her husband’s life. He didn’t even comment on her hair. She felt rejected. So did Jack. He wished he never got the Viagra that he ran out to get.
What Susan did not know was that when her husband saw her at the entrance to his study, her new look did turn him on, although his reaction was delayed. That was why he ran out of the house to the closest pharmacy to solicit the services of Dr. Viagra.
Unfortunately, Susan was upset with him, and he could not figure it out. Evidently, Susan had a secret that he needed to discover and resolve before he could get any closer to her. Susan’s secret was that she felt rejected by her husband. Jack had a secret of his own; he felt rejected, too. But the truth is that Susan was not rejected by her husband. She only “felt” rejected by him.
There is a thin line between feeling rejected and being rejected. You can feel rejected without being rejected. This happens when people don’t respond to you like you want them to. In Susan’s case, all she wanted was for her husband to acknowledge and compliment her on her new look; and, of course, she was in the mood to reward his compliment in the bedroom. But, he didn’t compliment her, at least, in the way she expected him to. Consequently, she felt he was not interested in her and she began to rationalize why he didn’t want her by assuming he had a mistress.
Jack was enthused with his wife’s new look. Unfortunately, he did not respond to her like she expected him to, which gave Susan the impression, the feeling, that regardless of what she did, he was not impressed. That was far from the truth. The feeling of rejection that Susan experienced was really the fruit of miscommunication between her and her husband. To avoid that from happening again, Susan would need to communicate her feelings to her husband. Conversely, Jack would need to understand her feelings and learn to articulate his affection and attraction toward her immediately. This is a practical way that they could resolve their conflict.
Oftentimes, we think we are being rejected when we feel rejected. Just because people do not acknowledge you the way you expect them to does not necessarily mean that they do not like you. Just because someone addresses you sharply does not mean the person despises you. Like Jack, the person’s mind might have been in la-la land. The individual’s response to you could be influenced by what the person was thinking at the time, or it could be influenced by the individual’s personality.
A common mistake that a number of us make is judging someone based on how other people treat us. We might have friends or acquaintances that are very affable and outgoing. They go out of their way to acknowledge and shower us with words of appreciation. In our humanity, we are prone to gravitate toward such individuals. In contrast, some people are reserved and more conservative. They will not say anything to you even if something is dangling out of your nose. Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but you catch my drift.
It’s unfair to individuals who are not as personable as we’d like, to be to be blacklisted because they don’t respond or interact with us as personably as some other people. I’m not belittling the fact that people do indeed dismiss us. When people ignore you, you feel rejected. But just because you feel like someone does not care about you does not always mean that the person actually dislikes you.
Before we write anyone off, it’s in our best interest that we rightly discern whether we are being rejected or just feeling rejected. We can obtain the wisdom that will help us differentiate between the two from God.
If you feel rejected, before you conclude that someone dislikes you, you want to make sure that is the case. If someone rebuffs you, usually, you would know. Until someone deliberately frustrates you such that it is clear that he or she does not want you around, or the person disapproves of you, it is not fair for you to conclude that the individual dismissed you. I do know that people can disguise their hatred for you. Even so, having the attitude that thinks the best of the situation is necessary. That attitude is love.[1]