Ladies, I have good news, and I have bad news. The bad news first. There are some guys who will not go back and chase a lady they are interested in dating, after she turns them down. And it’s not because their names are not J. P. Morgan. More bad news. A few of these guys are good men. Though not related to Tom Cruise, a guy like these few good men will not pursue a lady further after she rebuffs him.

He won’t return to try again, not because he is angry, not because the lady is not worth the chase, and not because he really didn’t care about her. He won’t pursue again because her rejection of his advances made him believe that she was not really interested in him. If the lady was truly not interested, then case closed.

But, if the lady was interested … yikes. Unless she lets him know of her heart’s true intentions, he is not coming back because he is clueless of what is in her heart. In his mind, she said “no.” And out of respect for her, and not wanting to be a stalker and overbearing, he will not pursue her any further. This kind of guy believes that a lady’s “no” means “no.” Now, to the good news.

There are other guys who will not take “no” for an answer. They will go after her more resiliently than Tom chases Jerry in the Walt-Disney cartoon flick. Unfortunately, there is more bad news. Some guys like these are bad boys. A man, like these players is not really chasing her; he is chasing “it.” He is chasing what he can get from her. And once he gets it, he disappears so fast, the woman sees sheets of paper flying all over the place.

To some bad boys, a lady’s “no” does not mean “no.” It means “yes.” It means “come after me.” If a lady turns a guy like these bad boys down, the guy assumes that she is playing hard to get. Her resistance to him is fuel for him to really go after her. If she was truly not interested in him, it’s not case closed. It’s case still open. And that’s a problem. When this bad boy discovers that she really meant “no,” sometimes he disrespects, belittles, and slanders her.

If a woman plays hard to get, then she plays right into the hands of a bad boy. Sadly, some women believe that if a guy goes after them resiliently, then it means he really loves them. And if a guy does not try and try again to win their heart, then it means he wasn’t serious and he really didn’t care about them. This mindset unfortunately has led to countless heartbreaks and confusion.

Ladies, please hear me out. If you play hard to get … you will be hard to get. And if you are got, you will be got by a man who plays … hard. Playing hard to get can leave you susceptible to ending up with the wrong guy who is “playing” hard to get you.

There are essentially two ways that people can get into a relationship. God’s way and the hard way. God’s way employs God’s grace, which helps us get into the right relationships. The hard way employs our race to get into relationships, which often falls short of our expectations. The good guys I alluded to, employ the God way. The bad boys exploit the hard way.

The good guy approaches a lady based more on inside information. While he is drawn to her, he has an inkling in his heart to talk to her and ask her out. God’s guidance through His grace and his attraction to her emboldens him to speak to her. This does not mean that the guy is immune to making the mistake of misjudging what he is feeling, as God leading him to a woman, when God was not and when God had a different agenda in mind. All the same, though attracted to the lady, he approaches her based on what he senses in his heart. If she refuses him, then he assumes he misconstrued what he thought God was revealing to him, tries to learn from his mistake and move on.

The bad boy approaches a lady based solely on outside information. She looks hot and he wants to have some. He proceeds strictly on what he sees with his eyes. He is willing to do and tell her anything to win her heart—though it’s not her heart he’s trying to win. He’s trying to win her body, stroke his ego, and add his triumph over her to his collection of exploits.

I like to say it like this: I don’t want a lady to go out with me because I chased her. I want a lady to go out with me because God chased her for me. If I chased her and she agrees to go out with me, then she will be doing so based on my efforts. This also means that I have to maintain the relationship based on my efforts. However, if she goes out with me because God already placed me in her heart, then we can rely on God to uphold the relationship.

That does not take away my responsibility in approaching her and expressing my feelings to her. That does not take away my responsibility in ensuring that I fulfill my role in taking care of her, encouraging her, and making her feel special. It does mean that God controls the relationship from start to finish. A few good men feel the same way. And that’s how it happened for me. I have experienced my share of “nos,” but one day, I got a “yes!” Actually, I didn’t get a “yes,” I got a “sure!” That was 4 years ago. I married her about a year-and-a-half ago.

Why would a lady who has prayed for a good man turn him down after he then shows up to ask her out? I’m not referring to ladies who are being cautious or refusing men they’re not interested in. I’m referring to ladies turning down good men who they’re interested in. I’m talking about ladies refusing good men who they have peace about dating. I’m talking about ladies declining opportunities to go out with good guys that even their parents, Pastors, friends, dogs and grouchy cats have peace about.

Why would some ladies turn down men that God has placed in their hearts? Do they need the men to prove their love, which God has already revealed to the women? If this is the case, then that’s the hard way. This approach to relationships can lead such women into the arms of the wrong guys. Guys that play hard.

Lady, if you’ve turned down a Godly man, needing him to chase you, I encourage you to go back and get him … or hope and pray that he’s one of the other few good men who loves to chase.