Let me tell you a story that came to me a while ago. There was a guy who wanted to find  a Godly woman to marry. He asked himself where he could find such a woman. He concluded that church was the best place to find such a lady. So, he proceeded to go to church. He didn’t go to church to have a relationship with God. He didn’t go to church to develop his character. He only went to church to find a woman. 

Guess what? He found a woman. They began a relationship. But it was a disaster. He was disappointed and disgusted with the woman he ended up with. Consequently, he concluded that church women were fake. There was also another woman who was interested in finding a Godly man. She asked herself where she could find such a man. She also arrived at the conclusion that church was the best place for her to snag a decent man. So, she went to church. 

She didn’t go to church to cultivate a relationship with Jesus. She didn’t go to church to develop her character. She simply went to church to find a man. Guess what? She found a man and they began a relationship. Unfortunately for her, the relationship went south fast. She was disappointed and devastated by the relationship. She could not believe that she found a man like that in church. Consequently, she concluded that church men were hypocrites. Well, it turned out that the man whom she found and had a terrible relationship with, was the other man who was also looking for a woman in church. This story reminds me of what author and leadership expert, Dr. John Maxwell, describes as the law of magnetism: 

Who you attract is not determined by what you want. It’s determined by who you are.51 

In the movie, Runaway Bride, not knowing herself was the main reason why Julia  Robert’s character, Maggie Carpenter, kept running away from the altar. It was after she found herself that she ended up with the right mate for her life. In the same vein, before you can run into the love of your life, you need to run into yourself first. The fastest way for you to find the right person is to look in the mirror. If you don’t know yourself, not only are you susceptible to ending up with the wrong person, you are also susceptible to missing out on the right person. 

If you know what is right this will help you know who is right. If you don’t know what is  right then you won’t know who is right for you. Having a relationship with God will not only  help you know what is right and know who is right for you, but it will also help you be right.

1. O. J. Toks, While You Are Single (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2015), 99-100.

On February 12, 2002, While You Are Single started out as a message. It was the title of O. J. Toks’ sermon while speaking in a True Love Waits event held by a Christian Student Organization called VISION, in his alma mater, Virginia Commonwealth University. On November 17, 2003, the message evolved into a manuscript. O. J. Toks’ first book. Since then the book has been revised, updated and is still available. On February 15, 2014, twelve years after its inception, it became a ministry. Currently an online ministry for single adults. The mission of While You Are Single (WYAS) is to prepare singles for wholesome relationships.

Through a series of videos, which can be watched on the While You Are Single website or on YouTube, single adults receive biblical teachings relevant to them. Through these videos, O. J. Toks’ book and blog, single adults who desire marriage, receive ministry that will impact, inform and inspire them toward God’s best path for their lives.

I was made the team manager, a fancy name for the guy who oversees the team’s laundry, soccer balls, training equipment, and ensures that there is drinking water in the two, giant, green and black plastic kegs with the Gatorade logo. This was not what I bargained for, but I kept my head up, trained hard and continued to pay my dues. I was the team manager and not an “official” teammate throughout the fall 1998 season.

The NCAA Division One soccer season was usually in the fall, so in the spring of 1999 we just trained. I was still with the team, pursuing my “calling.” We were given a break for the summer, but our head coach demanded that we be in shape when we got back in the fall. During the summer, I hit the gym and ran miles every other day, even in the muggy, blistering, scorching heat. Our assistant coach, who also doubled as our fitness expert, required that each member of the team be able to run two miles in fourteen minutes. I did it in twelve.

Prior to getting back with the team for the fall season, I browsed our website to check the new players and confirm that my name was finally on the roster of the VCU Rams. It wasn’t. I cannot begin to tell you my disappointment and feelings of rejection. I refused to accept the implications of the roster. I still showed up with my teammates for the mandatory team meeting that we were to have before we commenced training for the fall season. After the meeting, my coach called me aside and apologized that I was not on the squad. One of the new players on the team had eligibility issues and my coach reasoned with me that if things did not work out with the player, I would be the first consideration to take his place.

The player was not eligible; I still wasn’t given his place. My place was still in the laundry room, overseeing my teammate’s jerseys and hoses. Serving my teammates in lieu of playing officially with them was a very humbling experience. Equally humbling was my experience at a hotel booked for our team for a tournament away from our school. Due to some miscommunication, there were not enough rooms booked for our team. Actually, they were one person short. Guess who? So, I had to bunk with two “fresh men.” The hotel improvised by providing a rollaway bed as an addition to the twin beds in the room that was booked for them.

As a “senior” student and the fact that I had been with the team a “year” longer than the two freshmen, I did not think that we had to play a game to determine who got the beds and who ended up on the rollaway. Though I did not share my conviction with the fresh-out-of high school kids, they did not share my sentiment, either. The freshmen decided that we should play “scissors-paper-rock” to figure out who ended up on the rollaway. I lost the game—but I won the rollaway. I did not tell my other teammates, though. I kept it to myself, just like I kept the feelings of rejection of not making it on the squad.

My school upset the University of Maryland on their home field, and, despite our coach’s caution to us not to be careless in our next match, we were upset in the next game by American University. We felt the wrath of our coach during training the next day after the loss.

With all that I had stomached for the past year, and feeling that I should no longer kiss the dirt, get knocked down on the soccer field, cramp, pull muscles, press through rigorous training, and occasionally drive the team van, while going to school full-time and holding down a part-time job since I did not make the team, I approached my coach after the training and handed him my resignation papers. Funny thing was…I was never officially hired.

Please don’t get me wrong, I was no Pelé, Samuel Eto, Lionel Messi, Christiano Ronaldo, Ronaldinho or Landon Donovan. I could not bend it like Beckham, but I could still bend the ball—even though it might end up outside the stadium. All the same, I was as good as some of the players on the team. Furthermore, my unofficial tenure with the team wasn’t all doom and gloom. I built camaraderie with the team, and despite being the “team manager,” I enjoyed the perks: free sports gear, hotel accommodations, Golden Corral, and the numerous slices of Papa John’s pizza that served as our dinner after playing away-games, washed down with cans of Pepsi…yeeaaaah baiiiiibey!

Thanks to my unsuccessful stint with the soccer team, I had more time to dedicate to attending Bible study at my college. Interestingly, the Bible study was organized under the name VISION. So, being rejected from the soccer team led me to vision. I was provided for vision—provision; I was also led to God’s vision for my life. That was where I fit.

In addition to attending my church and cultivating my personal time with God, going to Bible study was where I began to discover and express my affinity for the gospel. It was my fellowship with other students that emboldened me to minister. It was in the session that I was given a voice, granted an audience and had my first speaking engagement. It was also in Bible study that I received my first leadership position as the president of VISION and experienced relationships and learned reasonable amounts of information that contributed to my messages and my books—this one included.

In Bible study, I was not required to serve; I volunteered to serve. I set the room before our sessions and cleaned up after. I was treated like a teammate. I was embraced, appreciated, and encouraged. I was depended upon; at times I was treated like the go-to guy. I did not feel like a fringe player like I did with the Rams. I felt like a major player. I enjoyed it; God made me good at it, and I was called for it! I was not supposed to be in the ministry of football (not NFL); I was supposed to be in the ministry of the gospel. Soccer was not my niche; scripture was.

I still play the game of futbol for recreation and to keep myself in shape. Nonetheless, I had no business playing the game professionally. Not being able to break into the college team made that crystal clear, and that helped redirect me to what I’m doing now. And for that I’m grateful.

1. Excerpted from O. J. Toks, Rejected for a Purpose (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2010), 145-148.

One day in 1998, early in the wee hours of the morning, I was sitting on my couch in my townhouse apartment, watching Dr. Joyce Meyer through a thirteen inch black-and-white TV. During her telecast, which was then titled Life in the Word, she mentioned that if you’re seriously struggling with an undertaking, it’s likely that God did not call you to it.

That was it! That was what I needed to hear in order to bid good riddance to medical school. I was a biology student in college, aspiring to be a doctor. But I was not enjoying my course of study. In fact, in 1997, I had enrolled in a medical program in the Medical College of Virginia. My performance in the program was fair but not anything to be excited about. Besides, I did not like it. I loathed the cadavers, their formaldehyde smells, and I slept through Dr. Sybel’s class about 95 percent of the time. The class felt like a movie theater, since the surgical genius switched off the lights and ran slides of the intricate details of human muscles.

After I received as confirmation what Dr. Meyer said, I knew exactly what I was called to do. Dr. Meyer had also mentioned that you would have a passion for what you were supposed to do. And what I knew I was to do, I had a strong desire for it, alright. There was no question whatsoever in my mind what my calling was. I felt like kicking myself. I should have known all along what my destiny was. And thanks to the Bible teacher, it was brought to my attention. I was going to be a professional soccer player. Yipeeee!

By the way, I came to that conclusion after two unsuccessful walk-on tryouts for the Virginia Commonwealth University’s (VCU) men’s soccer team. After my divine revelation, I went for tryout number three. Approximately five days a week, about fifteen to twenty minutes each day, with the Rocky song, Eye of the Tiger, playing in my head, I jogged about two miles around the block where my apartment was. I also worked on some ball control and ball joggling skills.

In the fall of 1998, yours truly went for my third tryout. With my newfound inspiration, determination, and experience from my first two tryouts, I played my heart out to make it to the team. About forty-five minutes later, with my left knee grazed and bleeding from a nasty contact with the artificial turf, my muscles screaming for oxygen, my chest burning from exhaustion, I sat on the turf with my legs apart like the letter “v,” with my hands barely able to hold my aching body up, amid five other formidable contestants and about a dozen onlookers.

The head coach of the VCU Rams soccer team whispered into the ears of the team’s Canadian goal keeper-trainer and ex-Rams goalie who assisted him with the tryout, and he walked off. My body was telling me that if this was what it felt like playing for VCU, count me out! But my pride said otherwise. My ego was hoping that I would be picked. After three tryouts and telling everybody from my friends to my parents that soccer is my calling, they had better pick me, I thought.

The goalkeeper coach pointed to two other guys as a gesture to let them know that they were picked for the squad. He also nodded in my direction and thanked the others who did not make the cut for their efforts. The goalkeeper trainer told me and the other two guys who passed the walk-on test when to come and join the team. I limped home with joy galore, but my enthusiasm was short-lived.

Training was no laughing matter. It was business! Other than a friendly introduction from our freshman goalie, who through a twist of fate was charged with the humongous task of being the starting goalie, I did not get any welcome-to-the-team pleasantries from most of the other squad members. Instead, I was welcomed with cold stares and an overdose of adrenalin. During practice, my ankles were met with crunching tackles, my ears were bombarded with expletives when I gaffed on the football pitch, and my body frequently kissed the grass when I got bumped.

Passing the tryout was phase one. Trying to break into a team shirt was phase two, not to mention a position “on the bench.” Because the season had already started, I could not officially play for my school. About a week after I joined the team, thanks to the rigorous training and the mandatory “red shirt” the other two walk-ons and I had to wear, it wasn’t long before I was the only walk-on left. The other two guys quit!

1. O. J. Toks, Rejected for a Purpose (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2010), 143-145.

During a football game, when a quarterback is trying to throw a touchdown pass, he usually takes a few steps back before he throws the ball. He does that to position himself properly to project and direct the ball accurately to reach his target receiver. In other words, he sets himself back to build the leverage he needs to throw the ball in a way that will enable his receiver to catch it and score a touchdown. But in order for this to take place, he has to take a few steps back; he has to set himself back.

Similarly, in an airport, a pilot has to taxi a plane back to the beginning of the runway to prepare for take off. The pilot sets the plane back to its starting point to position it to launch. And even before the plane takes off, the plane tilts back just a tad little bit before it lunges forward. Likewise, when you get set back, have the mindset that you’re only being positioned to score a touchdown for your life. You’re being set to take off! You might be set back, but you’re still set!

People, friends, or family members might set you back, but God utilizes their plans to set you up for your destiny. In their efforts to cause you to fail whether intentionally or accidentally, they’re helping you to succeed. Like a plane set to take off, you’re being set to launch into your purpose. Like Joseph, you’re being positioned in the place where you need to be, in order to proceed with God’s mandate for your life. God is using your opposition to position you. Bishop T.D. Jakes observed:

Like an arrow caught in a bow most people go backward before they shoot forward…. Those of us who have experienced setbacks in life often release and shoot farther because of the setback and not in spite of it…. Sometimes what makes us insecure and vulnerable becomes the fuel we need to be overachievers….The antidote for a snakebite is made from the poison, and the thing that made you go backward is the same force that will push you forward.1

1. O. J. Toks, Rejected for a Purpose (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2010), 109-110.

I was watching a popular Christian program in which a minister was being interviewed. This man was revered and popular in a major segment of the church. The gentleman mentioned how God brought his wife to him. He simply said that God revealed to him that a particular lady was his wife. He went ahead and divulged this information to the woman in question. In essence, he told her that God said she was his wife. This, of course freaked her out, and she ran for the exits. She bolted! She must have thought he was crazy. I don’t blame her. Eventually, she came back to him. They got married. They seem to be a very happy couple. Apparently He was right about what God told him.

Notwithstanding, I believe that most people who have to tell individuals that God told them they are supposed to marry them, are often off base. The guest in that program, as time has told, was right, on his assessment. His experience in getting his wife is not the norm; it’s the exception.

In life there are certain slangs that we use in order to look cool. In Christendom, there are certain lingos that Christians also use to make them look cool or spiritual. One of those lingos is: “God told me….” It is a wonderful thing to be used of God. It’s self-fulfilling to know that God told you to do something, you did it, and it came to pass. Wow! It’s awe-inspiring. Although God can, and does speak to us personally, it is not always that clear. At least, for me, it isn’t. Especially when the alleged speech from God deals with spending your life with another human being—with a mind of their own.

I think one of the things that get some of us in trouble, especially when it comes to finding a mate, is thinking that God told you something when He did not. It seems God speaks very loudly about someone for you if the person is very attractive to you. Is that God or is it your hormones? Is it the God of love talking to you, or your natural “love concoction” whispering sweet nothings in your ears? Is the Holy Spirit prophesying to you or is your emotional soul “prophelying” to you?

A lot of singles want to do what the guest in the show did to get his spouse. But they’re not willing to do what he did to get to the point where he could hear God clearly enough to make that bold declaration. He dated God to find his mate. Some of singles just want to date to find a mate, and then throw God in the mix. It doesn’t work like that. Are you trying to find a date to mate? I think the best approach is to find a mate to date; not the other way round.

By date to mate, I mean actively looking for just anyone available to date and then marry. By mate to date, I mean looking out for not just anyone, but someone who demonstrates the characteristics of a husband or wife, a mate, to date and then marry. Perhaps this explains why Proverbs 18:22 starts up by saying he who finds a wife—not he who finds a girlfriend. I believe this also applies to she who finds—or is found by a husband, not she who finds, or is found by a boyfriend. The same passage ends up by saying, obtains favor from the Lord. In other words, God makes this happen. He gives you the favor to find the mate to date. Apart from Him, we exert the fervor to find the date to mate and often end up irate and filled with hate.

The bottom line is that finding the right mate for your life is through God’s help. And if God ever told you that someone was your spouse, it will happen. If God spoke it, He will bring it to pass like He did for the man in the program. I will not recommend that you tell your prospect what God told you though. Not unless God explicitly instructed you to use that approach.

If God told you anything, He would also tell the prospect in question. God usually sends a go-between to connect you two. God was the go-between between Adam and Eve. God through Eliezer who somewhat symbolizes the Holy Spirit, was the go-between between Isaac and Rebecca. Naomi was the go-between, between Ruth and Boaz. An angel was the go-between between Joseph and Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Part of the problem is that some people begin a relationship with God today, and begin to talk about God telling them to marry someone, yesterday. In fact, some people who’ve had a relationship with God for years err regarding God telling them to marry someone or do something. How much more those who are just starting a relationship with Him? Furthermore, sometimes God brings someone to your heart just for you to pray for the person, not for you to prey on the person. At times He brings someone to your attention not as your life partner but for another purpose.

1. O. J. Toks, While You Are Single (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2015), 260-262.

Let’s revisit the story of Adam and Eve. Their disobedience started with evil company. The serpent communicated lies, which corrupted Adam and Eve. A little leaven of evil uttered into the ears of Eve leavened the whole lump of herself, her husband and mankind. This includes you and I.

The serpent fed Eve’s flesh with his deception. Her natural desires were further aroused when she looked at the tree and contemplated the alleged benefit from eating its fruit. Her eyes might have saturated with water. Her throat might have run dry as she longed for the forbidden fruit. The image of the fruit in all its lusciousness on her retina—the moisture dripping very slowly and mellifluously from its glistening exterior, accentuated by its bright rich color—the thought of sinking her canine in its meat—and the feel of its juice snaking down her esophagus may have proved a temptation too irresistible to reckon with.

And what was Adam doing? Instead of head-butting the serpent for flirting with his woman, and repudiating his comments to her which was feeding her flesh, he should have been feeding her spirit with God’s words to him, for them. Rather, just like she was checking out the tree’s fruit, knowing how some of us men are, it stands to reason that he was checking out Eve’s body’s fruits. You know what I mean? In other words, he was feeding his flesh too.

Please don’t get too sacrilegious on me. This is just my take, okay? You can refute my implication that Adam was checking out Eve because the Bible did say that they were naked and not ashamed. Yeah, I bet Adam was not ashamed seeing his wife naked. Perhaps that explains why he lost is focus.

Whichever case, the moral of this account is that their flesh was fed by what they heard, and saw, courtesy of the devil’s bad company. This resulted in the destruction of the integrity of their relationship with God, and compromised God’s perfect will for mankind. Since God is always ahead of satan, He repaired the breach through Christ. Through Him, whosoever wills is able to be reconciled to God.

Last but not the least, is David. The greatest king Israel ever had. He was considered a man of war. Even so, what is a man of war, Israel’s commander-in-chief, doing on the roof of his house peeping like Tom at a woman taking her bath, while his men were at war probably dodging sharp steel blades of spears and swords aimed at their throats—getting dragged around and trampled on by horses—on dirt mixed with horse poop and mostly Ammonite cadavers? He was feeding his flesh.

The sight of the naked and very beautiful woman, Bathsheba, who might have possessed a voluptuous body etched with more curves than a Lamborghini Countach, sparked the natural desires of his flesh. This drove him to inquire about her and give her a bootie call.

He fulfilled his lust for her by having sex with her. And what was the result of yielding to his flesh?

1. Adultery, since she had her own husband, Uriah, who was one of David’s men in battle.

2. A child out of wedlock, since he impregnated her.

3. Deception, as he brought Uriah back from the battle and tried to cajole him by wining and dining him until he got drunk. Furthermore, he asked him to go home to his wife, probably believing he’ll sleep with her and it’ll look like David’s child was really Uriah’s.

4. Murder, since David’s deception did not work, he sent Uriah back to the war, and got him killed by instructing the captain of his troops to place him right in the heat of the battle.

5. Death. The death of the child was another consequence of David’s sin. There were more deaths in David’s family, and subsequent generations because of his iniquity.

With these examples in mind, it is best for you to avoid, resist, and flee anything that incites your natural evil desires so that you can keep your flesh in control. I encourage you to embrace God’s guidelines, which inspire your Christ-like spirit to hearken unto His voice.

God’s Word is the food for your spirit, gasoline that fuels your spirit, and the oxygen your spirit breathes. It is the life line on which your spirit thrives, and the Viagra that drives your spirit. It’s His sayings in the Bible that inspire Godly attitudes, invigorates Godly character, which results in Godly actions.

Feast your eyes on His words by reading your Bible. Vibrate your ear drums with His sayings by speaking them to yourself, listening to messages from your Pastor, and other dedicated Christians you know of—either personally, or through television, radio and the internet. Also confirm if their messages are true by cross-checking them in your Bible. You can also be edified by listening to good inspirational music like gospel. Be it Praise & Worship, Classical, Jazz, Rock, Contemporary, Pop, R&B, Hip Hop, and Country just to mention a few.

At all times carry faith as a shield; for with it you will be able to put out all the burning arrows shot by the evil one. And accept salvation as a helmet, and the Word of God as the sword which the Spirit gives you. (Ephesians 6:16-17 GNB)

1. O. J. Toks, While You Are Single (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2015), 58 – 61.

David was ready to fight Goliath. Saul gave David his armor to take on the giant. When David put on Saul’s armor, he felt weighed down. He could hardly move. That is what happens when we try to be like others. Our inability to be like them weighs us down. We feel immobilized because we can’t think, act, or do things like they do. That is the case because God did not create us like them. He created us to be unique.

Then Saul outfitted David as a soldier in armor. He put his bronze helmet on his head and belted his sword on him over the armor. David tried to walk but he could hardly budge. David told Saul, “I can’t even move with all this stuff on me. I’m not used to this.” And he took it all off.” (1 Samuel 17:38- 39 MSG)

We experience failure when we put on armor, gadgets, personalities or styles that are “suited” for others but not for us. If David had worn that armor to fight Goliath, he would have lost the battle before it started. Goliath would have fed him to the dogs. He would have been minced meat. But thank God David rejected being like Saul. He refused to proceed with a tactic that even Saul could not use. We should not reinvent the wheel; we should renovate it.

In any and every battle we need to be courageous; we need faith; we need hope; we need persistence and determination. However, how we apply those virtues does not have to be exactly like others. David needed an armor to fight Goliath. But based on his uniqueness, he did not need an armor of steel; he needed an armor of skill. Five smooth stones and a sling shot did not necessarily do the job. It was his shield of faith in God, the helmet of salvation that God “got his back,” and the sword of God’s Word in his mouth that God would help him prevail, that did the job. It was these armor that provided the support for David to catapult the stone that brought down Goliath (1 Samuel 17:40-50; Ephesians 6:10-14).

David rejected Saul’s armor because he had no experience with it. David had experience with his own armor—the same one he used to protect his father’s sheep from a lion and a bear, both of which he took out with faith in God’s protection. He applied his experience with the animals against Goliath and prevailed.

We are not experienced in being other people. Some of us are even inexperienced in being ourselves because we’ve exhausted lots of time and energy and suffered defeat by trying to be like others. We should be ourselves. We should take time to begin to discover and cultivate the gifts, talents, abilities and personalities that God has placed in us. We should begin to express our hearts. If we don’t, well, like I’ve been discussing throughout this book, rejection is hired to cause us to dig deep into ourselves and withdraw the things that have been lying dormant in us.

Friend, reject trying to be like others. In your own unique way, you’re beautiful. If you haven’t discovered that, just be-you-to-full.

1. O. J. Toks, Rejected for a Purpose (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2010), 240 – 241.

Don’t try to be like other people. Don’t try to do things like them. Be yourself. One of the reasons why some people are unsuccessful at who they are and what they do is because they try to be like others. We can only be successful at being who we are. We’re all unique individuals. Trying to be like someone else is like a duck trying to be a squirrel. This is impossible! Is it any wonder we often disappoint ourselves? 

Some of us have not even scratched the surface on how special we are. That’s because we’ve spent most of our lives chasing the wind by trying to be and do things like other people. Don’t get me wrong; we should learn from others. Their success should inspire us to make something of ourselves, and their mistakes should dissuade us from making nothing of ourselves. However, how we go about applying what we learn from other individuals does not have to be exactly like the way they applied their learning experiences. 

I’m not saying that we should reinvent the wheel; if need be, we should renovate it. Some people don’t feel good about themselves because they’ve been comparing themselves to others. That is why some people feel that they are not beautiful. It’s been said that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. We need to be the beholder of ourselves. 

In order to be beautiful, you need to be-you-to-full. Be yourself to the fullest. Be the unique person God created you to be. You’re beautiful! Behold your beauty! Behold yourself! God’s masterpiece. You are God’s masterpiece because you’re a piece of the Master. Genesis 1:26 revealed that God created you like Himself. You are a piece of God—the Master’s piece.

1. O. J. Toks, Rejected for a Purpose (Paoli, PA: Elevator Group Faith, 2010), 239 – 240.