Last month I discussed how the success or failure of a relationship can be determined from its beginning. If you didn’t get to hear my discussion on the topic (Starting From Scratch Part 1), you can listen and download free, the entire message below.

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However, what happens to the person who had a false start in a relationship, and consequently was scratched from it? What happens to the individual who has been dismissed from a relationship? How can he or she get over the disappointment? Can God turn his or her despair into delight? Can He turn their lowest point into their turning point? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”

In Part 2 of the message, Starting From Scratch, I focus on answering how a person can move on from the rejection they experienced in a relationship. I also discuss why the rebuff took place in the first place. The entire teaching is in the audio below:

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Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13 GNB)

In the New King James Version, the last part of that passage reads:

but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you might be able to bear it.

In the above scripture, temptation also refers to trials or tests. The verse reveals that God will not let us go through any trial that we cannot handle. In addition, through the test, God will make a way of escape. …but with the temptation will also make the way of escape…. In other words, the very thing that was meant to imprison you is the thing that God uses to set you free. It’s what He uses as your way of escape—your liberation. What was meant to harm you, God uses to arm you—your provision.

Rejection did the same for Nelson Mandela. This prominent humanitarian was banished for his convictions. His cause was to abolish apartheid in South Africa. His efforts to thwart the racism against black South Africans landed him in a prison on Robben Island for 18 years. Despite the rejection, despite the incarceration and despite the depravation of his human rights, Nelson Mandela responded to his plight with faith, hope and love. In fact he wrote:

No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.

With that kind of attitude, is it any wonder that Nelson Mandela won the admiration and respect of his jailer, James Gregory? Mr. Mandela responded with forgiveness toward the man who worked for the establishment that put him in prison. Consequently, similar to how Paul influenced his jailer, Nelson Mandela influenced James Gregory. Nelson Mandela helped stir James Gregory in the right direction and became his lifelong friend. Also, just like Joseph rose from being a prisoner to a governor, Nelson Mandela went from prison to the presidency. He went from being an inmate to being an icon.

Nelson Mandela was banished for his convictions. Notwithstanding, the rejection he experienced furthered his cause. Mr. Mandela was instrumental in the abolishment of apartheid in South Africa. It cost him 27 years of his life, but it gained him and other black South Africans their freedom from institutionalized racism. It also gained him a Nobel peace prize and the honor of being the first truly democratically-elected President of South Africa.² [1]

Chapter 4 

Wrong Timing Causes It 

Envision yourself driving a vehicle on a road. You are heading to a certain place. On the way to your destination, you approach a traffic light. The light is on red, which means that you have to bring your car to a halt. The red light does not mean that you cannot drive on the road nor does it mean that you can’t arrive at your destination. The red light signifies that you are to stop your car in order for the other cars on the intersecting roads to move, too. The red light flashed to facilitate and navigate smooth and orderly flow of traffic. As long as the light is red, it’s not time for you to move your car.

God is the traffic controller of our lives. He often directs us in paths. He uses His paths to navigate us toward His purpose. Sometimes we might be cognizant of what our purpose is, whom to accomplish it with, and where to fulfill it. However, sometimes we do not know when to undertake our purpose. In other words, we do not know the right time for us to go ahead with what we believe we are to do. Worst still, we might not even know that there is a right time to undertake our mission in life. As a result, we are likely to proceed with what we believe we’re to do, but carry it out at the wrong time. Hence we personify the cliché: doing the right thing at the wrong time. And the consequence of this is heartbreak, mistakes, and rejection!

When we do things at the wrong time, we are like the individual who runs a red light. Instead of slowing down to a halt, we accelerate to our hurt. Consequently, we end up in a wreck like scores of individuals who were unlucky to avoid the traffic coming against them. Even if we are fortunate to avoid a collision, we’re likely to pay a price like those individuals who got caught by the police and were ticketed and fined for reckless driving.

God sometimes allows things not to go our way so that He can slow us down. This is one way He flashes His red light for us to stop. Yes, He wants us to travel the road to our destiny. But He wants us to arrive at our destinations “safe and sound.” To accomplish this, He has to control the traffic of people and circumstances that affect us. He has to ensure that they cross our paths, not “cross us,” crush us, or collide against us.

Unfortunately, some of us often insist on our own way and proceed to do our own thing. When we do this, we are being rebellious and playing into Satan’s hands. Therefore, since we did not let God’s traffic light slow us down, then we are prone to crash. If the devil has his way completely, he’ll use the accident to annihilate us, but God’s grace, in the least, will utilize the incident to bring us to an abrupt stop. We might suffer life-threatening injuries or heartbreak for a while, and then recover, which is a better alternative to Satan’s plan to completely snuff us out.

Sometimes we might be smart enough to stop when we see the red light, but our impatience causes us to take other routes to get to our destinations faster. Do you know what can happen if we do this? We can get lost in our attempts to get to our destinations quicker. We can get so far out of God’s will such that we might find ourselves lost in things we had no business getting involved with in the first place. In our attempts to take a short cut, we jeopardize our lives to get cut short.

If you run the red light and get into an accident where you incur serious bodily damage, you will need emergency medical attention. This means that you’ll be taken to the hospital to be treated for your injuries. In addition, you’ll be admitted to the hospital for a while until the doctor says that it’s okay for you to go home. If you factor in the time that elapsed from the time of the accident to the time you recovered from your injuries in the hospital, you would realize that you wasted more time than you wanted to save when you ran the red light.

If you took another route and got lost, you would need to get a map or seek direction from someone to get you back on track. In the process, you wasted more time than you would have had you just waited patiently for the light to turn green. So, in an effort to get ahead, you got behind. This is one of the reasons why things don’t happen for us as quickly as we want them to. We are trying to speed things up while God is trying to slow us down. Slow and steady wins the race; fast and unsteady gets disgraced.[1]

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, TAKE IT TO GOD

You are never wrong when you operate in love toward others. When you feel rejected, I encourage you to view your rejection from the eye of love. In doing so, you are in a better position to discern whether you were feeling rejected or actually were rejected. Love believes the best of situations. Again, Love…bears…believes…hopes…and endures all things.

1 John 4:8 states that God is love. Therefore, in order to ensure that you are not overreacting to the way someone treats you, operating in love toward the person who you felt offended you helps you consider other factors that might have caused the person to treat you badly. Your discretion will also help you ascertain whether prevailing circumstances in your life or experiences you had from your past lured you to think that you were rebuffed when the person did not actually brush you off. The things that you were dealing with, or negative memories from your past, might have made you feel that you were refused.

That is why it is important for you to believe the best of the situation by approaching the issue objectively from a perspective of love. In essence, since God is love, when you deal with rejection, don’t take it personally; take it to God. This is how I’ve been able to deal with, and overcome, my feelings of rejection.

I have had my share of bouts with rejection. Knowing that God was with me and taking my feelings of rejection to Him have proved most fundamental to my dealing with it and getting a great deal out of it. It has helped me to be more considerate of other people and has, no doubt, contributed to this writing.

I’m amused at the thought that I started writing seriously after I felt rejected. Like I mentioned earlier, my first book, While You Are Single… was birthed shortly after a lady I was interested in declined my feelings for her. Quite naturally, I felt rejected. But I overcame it, knowing that God was with me, and realizing that there was a bigger purpose behind her dismissing me. Part of that purpose was for me to take a good look at myself to discover whether I was suitable for her. Evaluating myself and gathering information that would help me become the right person for someone else gave rise to the book. Basically, she rejected me for my purpose, and that was the best thing that ever happened for me. I used to be just a waiter. After she declined my advances toward her, I wore another hat; I became a more accomplished person: an author.

I survived my feelings of rejection by not taking them personally but taking them to God. In doing so, I took her feelings into consideration. Just like she did not want to have a relationship with a guy she did not have feelings for, I didn’t want to be involved with a lady I was not interested in, either. This didn’t mean she despised me or had anything against me, it just meant that she did not think I was the best for her. She may have been right. By rejecting me, she did us both a favor, by preserving herself for the kind of guy she desired, and by redirecting me to the right lady who would accept me.

GO STRAIGHT TO THE TOP 

Let’s consider a lady who approached Christ to help deliver her daughter from a severe demonic possession. While she beseeched the Lord to help her with her plight, she endured and overcame rejection. Read the encounter below, and I’ll explain further.

And behold, a woman of Canaan came from that region and cried out to Him, saying, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is severely demon-possessed.” But He answered her not a word. And His disciples came and urged Him, saying, “Send her away, for she cries out after us.” But He answered and said, “I was not sent except to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” Then she came and worshiped Him, saying, “Lord, help me!” But He answered and said, “It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the little dogs.” And she said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.” Then Jesus answered and said to her, “O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour. (Matthew 15:21-28 NKJV)

Here is a lady seeking Jesus for help with her daughter, and He ignores her. At this juncture, a number of us would have cursed Him out. We would be upset that the so-called Minister, Preacher, or man of God was insensitive and full of himself. To add insult upon injury, Jesus’ disciples urged Christ to send her away. How insensitive. Take note that Jesus’ disciples, His “leadership,” those closest to Him, encouraged Him to dismiss her. Simply put, they asked Him to reject her. Jesus then responded to the woman by telling her that He was sent to the lost in Israel. Despite the rebuff, she pressed on. She worshipped Him. She still had faith in Him. She humbled herself even more for the sake of her tormented daughter. She asked Him to help her. But again, Jesus responded to her by saying:

…It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the little dogs. 

Whoa! At this point, those of us who might have taken Jesus’ first response to our plea for help with a pinch of salt would have lost it. We might have had no qualms with letting the Lord have one on His lips, then asking Him for forgiveness later. He implied that helping her was like throwing food, meant for his Israelite children, to little dogs. Basically, he called her a dog to which food is thrown, not given.

Yet again, the lady responded to Jesus’ apparent disrespect by saying, Yes Lord…. 

She said that even the little dogs eat the crumbs which fall from their master’s table. Jesus then exclaimed at her faith. He was impressed. In essence, she aced the test. According to her desire, her daughter was healed. Her faith in Jesus did not waiver after He appeared to have rejected her. Her proper response to the rejection by faith enabled her to obtain the victory she desired.

If we had been in the lady’s situation and Christ treated us like He did her initially, we’d have felt insulted. The Canaanite woman likely felt the same way, but she was not really rejected by Christ. I believe that, despite feeling restrained, she was able to prevent her possible feelings of rejection from hindering her faith in the same person from whom she experienced the rejection. I believe a key to her victory was her knowledge of who Jesus was. By calling Jesus the “Son of David,” she must have known enough about Him to believe that He could deliver her daughter.

We can learn a valuable lesson from the disciples’ suggestion to Jesus to send the woman away. They must have thought that they were doing the Lord a favor. They probably thought they were protecting and shielding him from a nagging woman. Did you notice that it was those closest to Christ who encouraged the Lord to discard the woman? Oftentimes, we judge leaders based on their followers. Perhaps an associate of an authority figure rejects you. Maybe you’ve been rebuffed by your pastor’s assistant, your boss’s subordinate, a friend’s best friend, or a Christian, an ambassador for Christ. If this is the case, there is the tendency for you to assume that the pastor, boss, friend, or God has rejected you, too.

We are prone to assume that people like pastors and their leadership, board of directors, and their CEOs, managers, and supervisors who work closely together and hang out together, all share the same values. That might be true in the context of their religious and professional affiliations, but that is not absolutely true.

For example, God has been given a bad name by too many of us who profess to serve and represent Him. Scores of individuals have evaluated God based on the conduct of Christians. The logic behind their assessment makes sense, except that they have it backwards. People should evaluate Christians or Christianity based on Christ, not the other way round. I believe the Canaanite woman understood this concept and used it to her advantage.[1]

PART 2: EXPERIENCING IT IN RELATIONSHIPS

Chapter 5

Feeling It vs. Dealing with It

Susan was on her way home from the hair salon, sporting a brand new hairdo that she hoped would get a very positive reaction from her husband, Jack. She wanted to get home so quickly that she almost got into an accident. Thankfully, the truck driver hit the brakes, barely missing her BMW SUV as she ran the red light. When she arrived at her drive way, Susan took a quick peek at the interior front mirror, ran her fingers across her forehead and flicked back strands of her brunette curls, perfectly streaked with blonde highlights.

She walked briskly to the entrance of their condo but slowed down once she got to the door to catch her breath. She opened the door, stepped on the marble floors, and called out to her husband, alerting him in her most sensuous voice that she was home. Jack who was in his study in the basement frowning over some figures on his desktop, responded with a grunt.

Susan descended to the basement, bubbling with enthusiasm. When she got to the entrance of her husband’s study, with her hands on her shapely hips and with a slight pose, she lingered a few seconds in the doorway smiling expectantly at her husband. A few seconds after Susan realized that her presence had not made her husband look up from the computer, she greeted him again—this time with an inviting smile across her face.

Jack looked at her briefly for a few seconds, and said, “Hi honey.” He then turned right back to his computer. Susan’s smile disappeared and she stormed off to her room with tears welling up in her eyes. Ten minutes after she left, Jack suddenly got up, grabbed his car keys, ran out of the house, and headed to the nearest drugstore.

He came back home fifteen minutes later, and half-ran and half-skipped to his bedroom to see his wife. She was lying on her side of the bed in the fetal position, still robed in the outfit she wore to the salon. Her back was facing him. Jack slid slowly and deliberately on the bed toward her saying, “honey,” in a low tone. He tried to touch her, but, as if on cue, once his hand touched the back of her shoulder, she brushed it off, got off the bed, stormed to the bathroom and locked the door.

As she headed for the bathroom, a bewildered Jack wondered what he had done this time. As usual, he did not have a clue. Feeling upset, he wondered for the umpteenth time if their marriage was going to make it. Susan, sobbing in the bathroom, wondered the same thing. She wondered if there was another woman in her husband’s life. He didn’t even comment on her hair. She felt rejected. So did Jack. He wished he never got the Viagra that he ran out to get.

What Susan did not know was that when her husband saw her at the entrance to his study, her new look did turn him on, although his reaction was delayed. That was why he ran out of the house to the closest pharmacy to solicit the services of Dr. Viagra.

Unfortunately, Susan was upset with him, and he could not figure it out. Evidently, Susan had a secret that he needed to discover and resolve before he could get any closer to her. Susan’s secret was that she felt rejected by her husband. Jack had a secret of his own; he felt rejected, too. But the truth is that Susan was not rejected by her husband. She only “felt” rejected by him.

There is a thin line between feeling rejected and being rejected. You can feel rejected without being rejected. This happens when people don’t respond to you like you want them to. In Susan’s case, all she wanted was for her husband to acknowledge and compliment her on her new look; and, of course, she was in the mood to reward his compliment in the bedroom. But, he didn’t compliment her, at least, in the way she expected him to. Consequently, she felt he was not interested in her and she began to rationalize why he didn’t want her by assuming he had a mistress.

Jack was enthused with his wife’s new look. Unfortunately, he did not respond to her like she expected him to, which gave Susan the impression, the feeling, that regardless of what she did, he was not impressed. That was far from the truth. The feeling of rejection that Susan experienced was really the fruit of miscommunication between her and her husband. To avoid that from happening again, Susan would need to communicate her feelings to her husband. Conversely, Jack would need to understand her feelings and learn to articulate his affection and attraction toward her immediately. This is a practical way that they could resolve their conflict.

Oftentimes, we think we are being rejected when we feel rejected. Just because people do not acknowledge you the way you expect them to does not necessarily mean that they do not like you. Just because someone addresses you sharply does not mean the person despises you. Like Jack, the person’s mind might have been in la-la land. The individual’s response to you could be influenced by what the person was thinking at the time, or it could be influenced by the individual’s personality.

A common mistake that a number of us make is judging someone based on how other people treat us. We might have friends or acquaintances that are very affable and outgoing. They go out of their way to acknowledge and shower us with words of appreciation. In our humanity, we are prone to gravitate toward such individuals. In contrast, some people are reserved and more conservative. They will not say anything to you even if something is dangling out of your nose. Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but you catch my drift.

It’s unfair to individuals who are not as personable as we’d like, to be to be blacklisted because they don’t respond or interact with us as personably as some other people. I’m not belittling the fact that people do indeed dismiss us. When people ignore you, you feel rejected. But just because you feel like someone does not care about you does not always mean that the person actually dislikes you.

Before we write anyone off, it’s in our best interest that we rightly discern whether we are being rejected or just feeling rejected. We can obtain the wisdom that will help us differentiate between the two from God.

If you feel rejected, before you conclude that someone dislikes you, you want to make sure that is the case. If someone rebuffs you, usually, you would know. Until someone deliberately frustrates you such that it is clear that he or she does not want you around, or the person disapproves of you, it is not fair for you to conclude that the individual dismissed you. I do know that people can disguise their hatred for you. Even so, having the attitude that thinks the best of the situation is necessary. That attitude is love.[1]

Are you frustrated about not knowing your purpose? Are you tired of hearing people tell you that God has a plan for your life, and yet, you don’t know what that plan is? If you don’t know your purpose, and you’ve been trying to find it, don’t freak out about it. Rest assured there are a lot of people in the same boat like you. Finding your purpose, however, is a master-key to finding everything else God has for you.

I can understand the frustration of hearing over and over again that God has a plan for your life, and yet not having a clue of what that plan is. Or, what those plans are. There are lots of books that address this subject. This is understandable because guiding people to their life’s purposes can be a daunting task. While there is a lot to say about finding God’s plan for your life, I’ll just share one tip that might help you find your life’s purpose.

The most important tip necessary to help you find your life’s mission is asking God for guidance. Under the umbrella of this guidance, I learned a tidbit that might help you find your purpose. This is it: your purpose might be found in the mouth of your critics. God’s call on your life might be discovered in the criticism of your critics. In other words, what people are saying about you negatively can be a clue to what you’re supposed to be doing.

For example, you might be familiar with the story of Moses trying to separate two of his Israelite brethren from fighting each other. When Moses did this, the man in the wrong asked Moses, “Who made you a ruler and a judge over us?” (Exodus 2:13-14) Bingo! Didn’t Moses turn out to be a ruler and a judge of Israel? This approach of listening to your doubters in order to find your purpose can also be seen in Joseph’s story. He had a dream and he told them to his brothers and father. In response to his dreams, his father echoed his brothers’ doubt by questioning him, “Will I, your mother, and your brothers bow down to you?” (Genesis 37:5-10) His brothers ended up bowing down to him, didn’t they? Did you notice that Joseph did not interpret his dreams? His brothers and father did.

Are you missing the clue that, by criticizing you, your haters might be interpreting your purpose for you? We have been told not to listen to critics. I agree. I preach this too. May I add an exception though? If you’re going to listen, listen with the intent of finding your purpose. Your mission might be discovered in their criticisms.

Hours prior to his crucifixion, the Roman soldiers taunted Jesus by saying, “Hail, King of the Jews.” (Mark 15:16-18) Duh! In jest, the soldiers went on their knees and bowed their heads. Little did they know that Jesus was not only the King of the Jews, but He is also the King of Kings … and so much more.

Let me use a modern day example to illustrate this truth further. Are you familiar with the late African American Actor, Michael Clarke Duncan? He played the role of “John Coffey,” alongside Tom Hanks in the Golden Globe nominated movie, Green Mile. He was the tall, huge, towering African American figure in the movie. Well, before he became a renowned actor, he dug ditches.

He told his coworkers that he was going to be an actor. They doubted him and made fun of his aspirations. They teased him by nicknaming him “Hollywood.” Often they taunted him by saying Bruce Willis was on the phone wanting to talk to him about being in a movie. Then they laughed at him. Did you remember what I said about finding your purpose: your purpose might be found in the mouth of your critics.

Thanks to their taunts, in 1990, he moved to Los Angeles. Isn’t it interesting that he ended up being an actor playing significant roles in a litany of movies? Not only this, he also starred with Bruce Willis in the movie, Armageddon? It was also Bruce Willis who put in a word for him to land the role in Green Mile, for which he was nominated for an Academy Award and Golden Globe.[1] Yes, Duncan already had it in his heart to act. But he didn’t know that his coworkers where prophesying over him.

If people at different times in your life have criticized you about a “specific” undertaking, especially when you never shared your dreams with them in the first place, grab a pen and take note! It’s one thing for someone to tell you that you’ll never amount to anything, but it’s another thing when several people at different times in your life tell you that you’ll never be: promoted, a model, a manager, world renowned singer, talk show host, professional athlete, run a company or ministry; own a business or franchise; be an astronaut, author or commercial airline pilot … fill in the blank.

God has numerous ways to reveal our purposes to us. Little do we know that He even uses the devil to unknowingly tell us what we are called to do. The devil influences people to attack your dreams. The fool, however, doesn’t know that he is inadvertently exposing God’s plans to you. Perhaps this also explains why God wants us to pray for our enemies; because, by attacking us they’re unveiling secrets to us.

Several months ago, a gentleman walked up to me at the end of a Bible study I attended. We exchanged pleasantries and began small talk. During our conversation he asked me if I was married. I told him I was not; I was waiting on God. He responded by telling me that I also needed to do some looking.

Apparently he assumed I was sitting on my couch, with my eyes closed in worship, waiting on God to drop a woman on my lap. My clichéd response must have given him that impression. What I didn’t tell him was that I was already in a steady relationship with a remarkable woman. What I also didn’t tell him was that by waiting on God, I meant I was allowing Him to continue to remove any lingering kinks in my life that could interfere with my relationship. I kept these thoughts to myself though.

The man then asked me how old I was. I told him 36. He reacted by saying that it was definitely time. This I interpreted to mean, time to be married. In fact, his abrupt response to my age suggested to me that I should have been married already. It implied that I was overdue for matrimony. I also kept this thought to myself.

What does age have to do with being ready for marriage? It’s not your age that determines whether you’re ready to be a spouse. It’s your maturity; spiritually—and practically. There is a mindset that suggests that the older you are, the more mature you are. Generally speaking, that may be true. But this is not always the case.

There are people who are under 25 and are wise beyond their years. And there are people who are over 40 who have the wisdom of—a teenager. Though it may seem to be a rare occurrence, being married in your early 20s does not always spell disaster. And being married in your 40s does not guarantee success.

You’ll be successful in marriage when you obey God in marrying who He wants you to marry — when He wants you to marry (spiritual) — and doing what you’re supposed to be doing when you’re married (practical) — whether you’re 25, 35 or 55.

Years ago, I attended a service at a church. The speaker that night was a lady whom I looked up to. From time to time, I approached her for advice. She was one of leaders of the church. The lady was in her 50s and she was single.

I saw her as a spiritual fire ball. She was a woman of God, full of the Word, baptized with the Holy Spirit, knew how to preach, and flowed in the prophetic. She was a leader of leaders. That’s how I saw her. I still do. On that night she shared an experience, which was recent to her at the time. She mentioned that she was dating a particular guy. When she said that, I was shocked!

If you’re a lady in your 50s, please pardon my ignorance. My naiveté led me to believe that single ladies at that age have closed shop from being married. I figured you’re done with seeking to be in a relationship, and you’ve embraced the celibate life. That was why I was shocked. I was even upset because I didn’t know she was dating anyone. She didn’t tell me.

Judging from my reaction to her revelation of her relationship, you probably figured that she made the right decision in not telling me and most of the congregation about it. Besides, who am I? This further reveals the wisdom in not telling everyone your personal business. However, that’s a topic for another time.

The lady mentioned that she had gone to a particular place with the man she was dating. She mentioned that she had gotten into an argument with her beau. She said he placed his hands on her shoulder, and she couldn’t quite recall what happened next. All she remembered was that people were pulling her off him. Let me say that again: People were pulling her off  him.

Apparently, touching her shoulder triggered a response that caused her to snap and attack him. This led people to come and intervene and pull her off him. This is not meant to throw darts at this brave leader of a woman who became vulnerable in sharing her ordeal. In fact, I respect her more for her transparency than for my perception of her and her position in the church.

I share that story because of the age stereotype. Being a certain age does not mean you’re ready or not ready for marriage. Your biological clock does not set the time for you to go on the altar. God does that. I recall Pastor Joel Osteen saying that God does not do things according to our due dates, but according to His set time. Wait for it. Exercise patience.

Marriage is for the mature. You can be 45 and be immature. You can be 25 and be mature—just enough for whatever God plans for you at the time. This is why God can appoint a teenager named David to be the king of Israel in the midst of other “mature” candidates (1 Samuel 16:1-13). This is why God can tell Jeremiah not to shrink back from fulfilling his call because he felt he was too young (Jeremiah 1:4-7). This is why Paul tells Timothy not to allow people to despise his youth (1 Timothy 4:12).

On the other hand, God used 80-year-old Moses to begin to deliver the Israelites from Egypt (Exodus 7:7). God also enabled Zechariah and Elizabeth to have a son at an old age (Luke 1:7-64). The God of then, is the God of now, because He’s the same yesterday, today and forever (Heb 13:8).

If you’re better than 35, interested in getting married, and no one seems to be on the horizon, be encouraged and keep your head up. I believe that 30 is the new 20. This means, if you’re 40, you can view yourself as 30. It’s just my opinion, so you’re not obligated to accept it. However, Psalm 84:11 is valid for your acceptance. It says that God will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly.

The Hebrew word, towb, translated as “good” in that verse is the same word translated as “good” in this verse: He who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). So if you’re trusting God for a spouse, which is a good thing, God will not withhold a good spouse from you. Therefore, if you feel like a good spouse is being withheld from you, then it’s for one of the following reasons:

1. The person in mind is not a good thing (God won’t withhold good things. He withholds bad things).

2. The person is good, but it’s not a good time (God withholds in our due dates. He releases at His set time).

3. The person is good, but is not good for you (You might think he or she is good for you, but God knows he or she is not the best fit for you. He knows best).

4. The person is good, is good for you, but you’re not good for them (you’re not ready, not the right fit for them, or not upright).

God does not lie. If He says He’ll do something for you, He’ll do it for you. He does things for your benefit, not for your detriment. He will not withhold any good thing from you—if you’re upright. If you’re down wrong, let Him pull you back, up—right. The challenge, especially for those of us 30-somethings and beyond, is that we think we’re more mature and ready for marriage just because we’re older.

Meanwhile, little foxes hide underneath the leaves of our assumed maturity and spirituality. And just when we decide to venture into marriage, they rear their ugly heads and bite at the vine of our relationships, snapping them in two (Song of Solomon 2:15). God does not want that to happen to you and me. That’s why He hires patience to prepare and mature us,so that we don’t lack anything (James 1:4).

What are your thoughts on this?

A friend of mine once told me about a surprise that was sprung on her. My friend, Zichi, is a heartwarming singer. She had a desire to learn and play the guitar. She prayed to God to help her get a guitar. Her preciseness to hit the right notes when singing, also extended to her choice of guitar.

She didn’t just want any guitar; she wanted a specific kind of guitar—one that cost quite a bit of money. While she prayed to God to help her acquire such a guitar, she also worked and saved money for her musical instrument. For Christmas, she was given a surprise gift. A few of her friends and her sister contributed some money, bought her a gift, and wrapped it in a package.

By the size and shape of the package she could tell that they surprised her with a guitar. However, deep down, in her heart she wasn’t too excited about the gift. The wrap around her package was the wrap for a cheap guitar she didn’t want. What could she do? She had to show some gratitude for what was done for her.

She opened her package, and to her surprise and delight, she discovered that they bought her the guitar she had been praying for. We both agreed that her experience reinforced the wisdom in not judging a book by its cover—in this case, a package by its wrap. Sadly, that’s what many of us do. It’s my understanding that marketing specialists exploit this flaw in decision-making to sell products.

Why do you think celebrities, attractive individuals, and eye-catching ads are used to lure us to buy products? More often than not, we are influenced to buy a product, not because of its attributes, but because of the attributes of the celebrity endorsing it. When it comes to buying paper towels, carpet cleaners or other household products, accepting or rejecting these items based on their appearance and endorsements might not be disastrous.

The same, however, cannot be said when it comes to people. I can’t imagine how many men and women have suffered unnecessarily by getting into relationships simply because they were captivated by the looks of the person they got involved with. How many businesses have gone south because the hiring managers chose the wrong candidate because the individual’s charisma and fabricated resume dazzled them in the interview?

Many a woman has ended up in a mess because she wanted a guy who looked like Brad Pitt. And after the look-alike got what he wanted from her, he left her in a bad pit. Many men want a lady who looks like Halle Berry, Megan Fox or Kim Kardashian. They wanted a bombshell, but when the bomb exploded they were left shattered with the debris of their lives scattered everywhere.

Of course, God can bless you with an individual with good character who is as attractive as the aforementioned celebrities. The point I’m making is that sometimes we’re too quick to choose someone “solely” on their looks. We give the wrong people a promotion, a seat on the board, a position as a business partner, a place in the church’s leadership, a significant place in our hearts just because they catch our eyes and tickle our fancies.

Don’t judge a book by its cover; judge it by the writings in its chapters. Don’t judge a package by its wrap; judge it by the package in the wrap. Don’t judge a person by the color of her pupil, the chisel of his physique, the texture and length of her hair, the brand of his clothes or her outfit. Judge them by their character.

Integrity cannot be deduced at first sight. Authenticity cannot be ascertained on impulse. Godly wisdom and discernment is necessary to help us make informed decisions. Even the prophet Samuel, one of his kind, though briefly and inconsequentially, fell prey to making the wrong judgment call based on looks.

After Saul, Israel’s first king, was relieved of his position, God asked Samuel to go to the house of a man named Jesse to appoint one of his son’s as the next king (1 Samuel 16:1). Jesse had eight sons. When Samuel arrived at Jesse’s house, after seeing Eliab, Jesse’s eldest, Samuel presumed that Eliab was God’s chosen. Eliab looked the part. But the Prophet, Samuel, was wrong. God redirected him to David, the youngest, whom prophet and parent overlooked for the position. In correcting Samuel’s error God made a statement that encapsulates the theme of this writing: 

But the Lord told him, “Samuel, don’t think Eliab is the one just because he’s tall and handsome. He isn’t the one I’ve chosen. People judge others by what they look like, but I judge people by what is in their hearts.” (1 Samuel 16:7 CEV)

Interestingly, later on, Eliab, whom Samuel mistook for God’s appointee, criticized David when he came to inquire about a battle between the Israelites and the Philistines (1 Samuel 17:22-28). Eliab was part of the Israelite army. David was not. Goliath was the Philistines’ top fighter. He breathed threats against the Israelite troops, and all the Israelite soldiers, including Eliab, where quaking in their boots (1 Samuel 17:4-11). David, the overlooked choice, took care of Goliath (1 Samuel 17:32-51). Something Eliab, the obvious choice, couldn’t do.

Who would have thought that a ruddy-looking teenage boy with no military experience, whose pastime was playing the harp and singing in harmony with the bleating of sheep, would kick Goliath’s butt (1 Samuel 16:11-12, 23)? Have this in mind when you’re tempted to overlook a potential employee because he or she does not have a ginormous resume, or when the lady or gentleman you could develop a relationship with doesn’t look like Salma Hayek or Denzel.

Don’t just dismiss someone who could potentially transform your life, turnaround your business, propel your ministry, make your heart flutter, or help you fulfill your destiny, just because the person’s appearance does not give you goose pimples. Discern wisely. Ask God for help. Allow His wisdom to enter your heart, and His knowledge of the person’s character to be pleasant to your soul. So that discretion preserves you, and His understanding keeps you from making the wrong decision (Proverbs 2:6-15).

In the words of John C. Maxwell:

People are like icebergs. There is much more to them than meets the eye.

Would you care to share a time that you made a decision based solely on the appearance of a person or a product? How did your decision turn out?